Christopher Lambert as Connor MacLeod in Highlander.
Ross County visit Cappielow today. The Staggies currently occupy first place in the division, the third club to do so this season, and probably not the last. What if Ross County gain promotion to the Scottish Premier League? A Ross County v Inverness Caledonian Thistle Premier League derby would be something. Unfortunately, Inverness are the leading candidates for relegation to the First Division.
What is the record of the two clubs since they joined the SFL in 1994?
1994-95: Ross County 3rd, Div 3; Inverness CT 6th, Div 3.
1995-96: Inverness CT 3rd, Div 3; Ross County 4th, Div 3.
1996-97: Inverness CT 1st, Div 3; Ross County 3rd, Div 3.
1997-98: Inverness CT 5th, Div 2; Ross County 3rd, Div 3.
1998-99: Inverness CT 2nd, Div 2; Ross County 1st, Div 3.
1999-00: Inverness CT 6th, Div 1; Ross County 3rd, Div 2. Inverness CT are runners-up in the Challenge Cup.
2000-01: Inverness CT 4th, Div 1; Ross County 6th, Div 1.
2001-02: Ross County 4th, Div 1; Inverness CT 6th, Div 1.
2002-03: Inverness CT 4th, Div 1; Ross County 8th, Div 1.
2003-04: Inverness CT 1st, Div 1; Ross County 6th, Div 1. Inverness CT win the Challenge Cup.
2004-05: Inverness CT 8th, Premier; Ross County 6th, Div 1. Ross County are runners-up in the Challenge Cup.
2005-06: Inverness CT 7th, Premier; Ross County 4th, Div 1.
2006-07: Inverness CT 8th, Premier; Ross County 10th, Div 1. Ross County win the Challenge Cup.
2007-08: Inverness CT 9th, Premier; Ross County 1st, Div 2.
2008-09: Inverness CT 12th, Premier; Ross County 8th, Div 1. Ross County are runners-up in the Challenge Cup.
2009-10: Inverness CT 1st, Div 1; Ross County 5th, Div I. Ross County are runners-up in the Scottish Cup. Inverness CT are runners-up in the Challenge Cup.
2010-11: Inverness CT 7th, Premier; Ross County 8th, Div 1. Ross County win the Challenge Cup.
Challenge Cups notwithstanding, Inverness CT are more illustrious.
The League Cup quarter-finals were played midweek. Ayr and Falkirk advance, as well as Premier League sides Kilmarnock and Celtic.
Morton have drawn Deveronvale in the Scottish Cup third round. Round Two replays pre-empted all but one Third Division matches today. Red and black Iverurie Loco Works eliminated Clachnacuddin and will face blue Peterhead in the third round.
[Blech. Ross County 2, Morton 0. Morton slide to sixth.]
camera) . . . (crosses his arms defensively) . . . (opens and
closes his mouth) . . . (shouts:) Oh! . . . (twists with
embarrassment) . . . (remembers the word!) . . . un . . . uh
. . . uncivilized!" (Grins and slowly slides his hands upward
into his armpits to hide the half-moons of perspiration.]
The brig. Riker and the unnamed tactical officer are
jumping up and down and shouting, "What's going on? What's going
Ursula is furiously reading her console and shouting,
"Intruder alert! Life support down! Hull integrity compromised!
Abandon ship!" At this last one she hits a control and the
containment field disappears, releasing the prisoners.
At this moment Door Repair Guy materializes in the room.
"Hey, guys. What's up?"
Tactical officer: "What's up? Abandon ship is up!"
"That'll be Lore. Quite an elbow on that guy."
"I don't believe you!"
"No, it's true."
"No, I mean I can't understand what you're even doing in
Riker grabs the two of them by the collars and says, "We're
not abandoning anything. We're going to save the ship. Ursula,
are you with us?"
Ursula squares her shoulders and says, "You've treated me
shabbily in the past, Commander, but for the sake of the ship
I'll follow you."
"Excellent. You." (Shaking DRG.) "Pull off that panel and
break out the breathing gear. We've got some infiltrating to
"I've heard a lot of talk about Reg's holodeck. How he
never gets any work done. How he's losing touch with reality.
Wrong! He's in the holodeck, he's interactive! He's in the mud
wrestling, he's got the babes, he's saving the ship. What are
you doing? Watching Star Trek. Well, I'm coming *knock knock*
in there and I'm bringing Reg, the Goddess of Empathy, the pie-
eating Wesley, the whole holodeck with me! Hello!"]
View of the Enterprise in orbit above Petrus. Looking down
from above, we see little square ports opening in the upper
surface of the saucer and dozens and dozens of cubical lifeboats
rocketing away from the ship.
A corridor in the Enterprise. The scene is one of well-
orchestrated chaos. Crewmembers are tearing the panels off the
walls to reveal the lifeboat hatches. Division leaders are
organizing evacuation parties and briefing them as they enter the
lifeboats. Newly-replicated copies of _Star Trek: The Next
Generation Technical Manual_ are in evidence everywhere,
computer-dog-eared at page 174. As we watch, the last parties
clear the corridor. The traffic officers give each other the
thumbs up and climb into their own capsules, just as the doors to
the turbolift at the end of the hallway automatically open and
the air in the corridor cascades away at hurricane speed down
into the turboshaft, carrying the spare technical manuals away
like crazy, flapping birds.
The bridge. Lore is at the helm, inside his force field.
Data is at the tactical station. Both are busy overriding one
another. Picard, Doctor Crusher, Worf, Troi and Geordi are also
present, acting as a command centre for the evacuation.
Worf: "Two hundred and fourteen lifeboats away."
Picard: "Good. Now I want the five of you to get into the
remaining lifeboats on deck two and begin to gather the other
boats together into gaggle formation. The more boats you can
join together the better."
Troi: "Captain, what about you?"
Doctor Crusher: "Jean-Luc, you're not planning to go down
with the ship."
"That is my own affair."
Data: "Request permission to remain aboard, Captain. Lore
and I have very similar neural processes. I believe I have the
opportunity to outmanoeuvre him if I can remain at a computer
console. Also, the chance that Lore will eject the atmosphere
from the bridge once one of the turbolift cars has left is very
good. I can operate for some time in vacuum conditions. You
"Perhaps you're right. I'll go to the captain's yacht. Mr
LaForge, will you join me?"
"Good luck, Data."
"Thank you, sir."
The turbolift doors close on the Captain, Geordi, Doctor
Crusher, Worf and Troi.
Lore turns around in his chair.
"So, brother, alone at last."
"Lore, what have you done with my cat?"
"Why, Spot's in good hands."
He activates a control. A figure materializes on the far
side of the bridge, a glossy, petroleum-covered figure, holding
an oily and miserable cat.
"WHERE ARE ALL THE PEOPLE? YOU TOLD ME I WOULD HAVE
HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE TO KILL! AAAARRRGH!"
Lore winks and indicates him with a tilt of the head.
"Sort of gets under your skin after a while, doesn't he?"
Written by Douglas A. McLeod (email@example.com)
Notes on Lore Repair.
"Are we there yet?" My thoughts exactly at this point. When I started Door Repair Guy I thought it might run to four or five episodes. But then it got on a roll and thirteen seemed like a nice TV-sounding number. By this episode I'm winding things up as fast as I can, while simultaneously throwing in as many monkey wrenches as I can think off, hoping that comedy will result. The result is an episode 14.
Angels are kind of deus ex machina, aren't they. I stole this angel from Rudy Wiebe's short story, "Angel of the Tar Sands", published 1982. Please note that he did not title it "Angel of the Oil Sands".
October 5th, 2011 marked the hundredth anniversary of the birth of Brian O'Nolan, the non pareil of 20th-century comedic prose style. You may know him as Flann O'Brien, or Myles na gCopaleen. The Irish Times has been running a series of essays on his life and influence, with extracts from his Cruiskeen Lawn column, here. He was conversant in four or five languages and at his best when using one to hammer puns off another.
Which omnibus line is best augured?
Fortuna favat 40 Bus.
To the novice I recommend The Best of Myles, an anthology of comic devices collected from Cruiskeen Lawn. Key sections include "The Brother" (reported stories), "Keats and Chapman" (egregious puns), and, for my money the best, "For Steam Men" (specialist and obsessive language). I challenge you to find a better example of comic pacing than his WAAMA League book-handling scheme.
Morton motor to meet Livingston at the Braidwood Motor Company Stadium, also known as Almondvale by those Scots opposed to the concept of stadium naming rights. If you can't think of ever having seen a Braidwood on the road, you haven't; Braidwood Motor Company is a used car dealer. Almondvale Stadium should not yet count as an old football stadium, as it was constructed as recently as 1995, but already there's talk of tearing it down and building a smaller version. Almondvale's 10,000 capacity makes it inconveniently large for the SFL. I have a different suggestion for Livingston FC: get promoted and have Rangers and Celtic over once in a while.
Today is also the Second Round of the Scottish Cup. I neglected to mention last round that the Scottish Cup is now sponsored by William Hill, the bookmaker, and is officially the William Hill Scottish Cup for the next three years. So three major Scottish football competitions, the Scottish Cup, the Scottish League Cup, and the Scottish Challenge Cup, are backed by a bookie, the Proceeds of Crime Act, and a pawnbroker. I think that qualifies as a comment on the state of the Scottish economy.
Round Two mixes in the ten Third Division clubs with the 22 survivors of Round One. As always there are lucky draws and unlucky draws. Alloa and Annan Athletic, two of the best clubs in the round, face each other; whereas red and black Inverurie Locos should have an easy time of it with Clachnacuddin. I'm pulling for a Morton/Inverurie pairing in Round Three. Yatagarasu!
Apparently, the rivalry between East Stirlingshire and Buckie Thistle is so intense that their fans have to be segregated.
Livingston's year so far: in the first quarter they beat Dundee and Partick Thistle, tied Queen of the South, Hamilton Academical, Falkirk, Ross County, Raith Rovers and Ayr United, and lost to Morton. In the League Cup they beat Arbroath, then lost to St. Johnstone. In the Challenge Cup they beat Airdrie, Stirling and Berwick and then lost to Hamilton in the semifinal.
To recap Morton's first quarter: they defeated Livingston, Dundee, Ayr United and Falkirk; tied Ross County; and lost to Queen of the South, Partick and Hamilton. In the League Cup they beat Alloa, then lost to St. Mirren. In the Challenge Cup they beat Stranraer and Forfar, then lost to Hamilton.
In other fitba news, Clyde FC might be preparing to abandon Cumbernauld, where they have rented Broadwood Stadium since 1994, in favour of another new town, East Kilbride, where they could own their own place. BBC story. Me, I'm all for all five new towns having SFL clubs, and while you're at it add Edinburgh City too.