Plenty of Nothing

About UCD AFC

University College Dublin Association Football Club are James Joyce's home team.

They have possibly the world's loveliest team crest. Take a look at that curved line on top. That's design excellence.

University College is top school in the Republic of Ireland. It was founded as Catholic University of Ireland by the celebrated Cardinal Newman, author of The Idea of a University. Joyce, Flann O'Brien and Gerald Manley Hopkens are all alumni, which leads me to speculate that Stephen Dedalus, and the unnamed undergraduate narrator of At Swim-Two-Birds, and Hopkins' swan can all be counted as supporters, or at the very least mascots.

The football club was begun in 1895 as Catholic University Medical School FC, and the team is nicknamed The Students to this day. The club joined the League of Ireland in 1979, and were most recently promoted to the Premier Division in 2010. They won the FAI Cup in 1984. They play at the UCD Bowl, which they share with the university's rugby team. In addition to the Premier Division team, there are squads that play in the Leinster Senior League and the university league.

After ten league games The Students sat tenth out of twelve, with two wins, three draws and five losses, and a goal difference of minus four. Top scorer: Graham Rusk with four goals.

Then last night The Students hosted Shelbourne and lost 2 - 0.

Elsewhere in the summer football world. Yesterday Pohang Steelers hosted Daejeon Citizen FC. [0 - 0.] Tomorrow Miti HollyHock visit Gainare Tottori at Torigin Bird Stadium. [Tottori win 2 - 1.] Montreal Impact host the LA Galaxy at the Big O. [1 - 1.] On Wednesday the Impact were in Toronto for the semi-final of the preposterously named Amway Canadian Championship. (Amway is short for "American Way".) [Toronto won and will face Vancouver in the finals.]

Morton's season is done, but there are eight Scottish Football League clubs in action this weekend. This is the seventh year of the SFL's promotion playoff system. Apart from automatic relegation/promotion, whereby the bottom clubs of the First and Second Divisions go down and the top clubs of the Second and Third Divisions go up, there are two playoff tournaments featuring the ninth team of the First Division and the second, third and fourth teams of the Second, and the ninth team of the Second and the second, third and fourth teams of the Third. Each playoff has two two-leg total-goal semi-finals and a two-leg total-goal final.

Who wins these playoffs? You'd think that the team from the higher division would have the edge, but the stats say otherwise. In the twelve previous tournaments, the #1 team (ninth place in the higher division) has won three times, the #2 team (second in the lower division) five times, the #3 team (third in the lower division) twice and the #4 team (fourth in the lower division) three times. If this is tendency holds, Arbroath should replace Ayr in the First Division, and Queen's Park should replace Albion Rovers in the Second.

On Wednesday Ayr United played Airdrie United to a 0 - 0 draw in the first leg of their semi-final. You'll recall that both clubs were relegated from the First Division at the end of the 2009-10 season. The other semifinal has Arbroath against Dumbarton. Dumbarton won the first leg 2 - 1. Arbroath last played in the First Division in 2002-23, Dumbarton in 1995-96. Dumbarton is the next closest SFL club to Greenock, if you are travelling by paddle steamer.

Hibs demoted Dunfermline pretty emphatically (4 - 0) on Monday. So the Pars and Cowden both return to the First Division after one year's absence. But it won't be the same First Division without dear old Queen of the South.

[Airdrie beat Ayr 3 - 1 in a very scrappy contest. Ayr United are relegated. Next week Airdrie and Dumbarton play for the final spot in the First Division.]

A Horn of Merks

Q: What do you know about the Greenock Coin Hoard?

A: Those are the ones who bring a pocketful of pre-decimal pennies to a game so they can whip them at your heid!

Q: No, that would be the Greenock Coin Horde.

A: Well then I don't know.

Q: Well, then.... (For the link lazy: A cow's horn containing several dozen coins from the reigns of Mary Queen of Scots and James VI was found in Braeside, Greenock, by three men digging a sewer in 1955. Those coins not distributed to the children who had clustered around to gawp are now to be seen in the McLean Museum.)

A: Jings.

Q: Can we have a quick overview of Morton's 2011-12 season?

A: Fire. Flood. Shipwreck. Buddies.

Q: How have Morton fared against the other nine First Division clubs this season? A: 

Against Ayr United: 3 wins and 1 draw, for 10 points. 8 goals for, 2 goals against.

Against Falkirk: 2 wins, 1 draw, 1 loss, for 7 points. 5 goals for, 3 goals against.

Against Dundee: 2 wins, 2 losses, for 6 points. 3 goals for, 4 goals against.

Against Livingston: 1 win, 2 draws, 1 loss, for 5 points. 4 goals for, 5 goals against.

Against Partick Thistle: 1 win, 1 draw, 2 losses, for 4 points. 2 goals for, 6 goals against.

Against Ross County: 3 draws, 1 loss, for 3 points. 3 goals for, 5 goals against.

Against Hamilton Academical: 1 win, 3 losses, for 3 points. 6 goals for, 9 goals against. Plus Hamilton beat them 2 - 1 in the (Ramsdens) Challenge Cup quarter-final.

Against Queen of the South: 2 draws, 2 losses, for 2 points. 6 goals for, 10 goals against.

[Against Raith Rovers: 2 draws, 2 losses, for 2 points. 3 goals for, 10 goals against. But Morton eliminated Raith in the fourth round of the Scottish Cup.]

[It's interesting that the Ton had the most trouble against tenth-place QoS and seventh-place Raith.]

Today Morton host Raith Rovers in the final league match of the season. If Raith win the Rovers take seventh place. A draw or a Morton victory give seventh to the Ton. For Raith to finish ninth, they must lose and Ayr must beat Falkirk in such a way that Ayr make up a goal difference of 17.

[Morton 1 - 3 Raith. Morton goal by Hawke. Morton finish eighth with 42 points and a minus 15 goal difference. Despite their surprising start they end up a little worse than last year.]

Inverness Caledonian Thistle have secured their place in next season's SPL, so the Highland derby is on. Depending on the pace of the upgrades at Victoria Park, Ross County may groundshare with them for the first while. Dunfermline can be relegated this weekend. [If Mondays are a part of the weekend.] The SPL ends its season next Saturday.

Summer football. Thursday Mito HollyHock were in Gifu. [And won.] Yesterday UCD visited Shamrock Rovers. [2 - 2.] Today Pohang Steelers visit Seoul. [Seoul win 2 - 1.] Montreal Impact are in KC to play Sporting Kansas City FC.

Today it's Chelsea versus Liverpool in the FA Cup Final. [Chelsea win.]

Chelsea want to purchase the Battersea Power Station and turn it into a 60,000 seat stadium. And pigs will fly! Oh, wait.

Dune Ibrox

I think I've got it figured out. Dune is an allegory of Scottish football. Scotland is Arrakis, do you see? Television revenue is the Spice. Rangers fans are the Fremen. The SFA is the Bene Gesserit. Craig Whyte is Sting. Doesn't that clarify things?

Hm. Perhaps the global financial crisis of 2008 is a better analogy. Are Rangers too big to fail?

Morton meet amateur side Gourock Thistle this evening in the semi-final of the Renfrewshire Cup. Last week St Mirren defeated Carlton YMCA 10 - 0 to earn a berth in the final in July. [Morton 3 - 1 Gourock Thistle. Not quite 10 - 0.]

The SPL is in action today. Dunfermline must beat Inverness CT and hope that Aberdeen beat Hibs, if the Pars are serious about avoiding relegation. [Pars draw, but Hibs win.]

Livingston In the Material World

Mugging in the material world.

Morton visit Livingston this afternoon for their final meeting of this cycle of rebirth known is the 2011-2012 SFL First Division season.

2011-12 has been a qualified bust for Greenock Morton. For several weeks in September the Ton led the league, though by the end of that month it was with a negative goal difference, inspiring a question at the Guardian's football trivia column The Knowledge. Since then they've settled to seventh place. How does this compare to previous years? Since rejoining the First Division Morton have ended the season: 8th with 37 points and a minus 18 goal difference (2007-08); 6th with 47 points and a 0 GD (2008-09); 8th with 37 points and a minus 25 GD (2009-10); and 7th with 43 points and a minus 4 GD (2010-11). Sixth to eighth in the First Division is a pretty small target to hit year after year. Sooner or later the club has to improve or be relegated.

One scenario spinning out of the trainwreck at Ibrox has Rangers accepting relegation to the Third Division and two First Division clubs moving up to the SPL: Ross County plus most likely Dundee.

Morton's exit from administration in 2001 without a points deduction is being held up by Rangers fans as an example of SFA favouritism.

Last night UCD entertained Drogheda United. They played to a 1 - 1 draw.

Altrincham host Gainsborough Trinity today in English sixth tier action. [Gainsborough win 3 - 2.]

Montreal Impact play the Portland Timbers at Stade Olympique. [Montreal win 2 - 0!]

Pohang Steelers visit Daegu FC at the Blue Arc. Daegu have three Brazilians: Leandrinho, Matheus and Dinélson. What is your Brazilian football name?  [Daegu 1 - 0 Pohang.]

Yesterday Mito HollyHock visited Shonan Bellmare. If I owned that team they'd be called Shonan Jump. Mito won 2 - 1.

Quick, think of a Japanese footballer who has played in Scotland. Shunsuke Nakamura played for Celtic for four seasons and was voted Scottish Footballer of the Year for 2006/07, though he is on record as saying he would have voted for Alan Hutton. Nakamura now plays for Yokohama F. Marinos. Here's an interview.

Think of a Scot who has played in Japan. Alan Irvine, whose career spanned the years 1980 to 1995, played the 1989/90 season for Mazda, the club now called Sanfrecce Hiroshima. Scott McGarvey played for Mazda as well from 1990 to 1992. Steve Paterson was the first European to play in Japan, joining Yomiuri FC in 1983. They are now Tokyo Verdy. And Steven Tweed played for Yokohama FC from 2004 to 2006.

Is there a Scot playing in the J-League this year? No. Which countries are the most popular sources for foreign players in Japanese pro football right now? 1) Brazil. There are about thirty Brazilians in J1. 2) South Korea. About twenty. 3) North Korea. The Brazilians were born in Brazil and the South Koreans in South Korea, but the North Koreans were all born and raised in Japan of Korean refugee parents, and play for North Korea internationally, in what must be one of the only examples of co-operation between Japan and North Korea. In J1 there's Kim Song-Gi, who plays for Cerezo Osaka; Hwang Song-Su, for Júbilo Iwata; An Yong-Hak, for Kashiwa Reysol; Kim Myung-Hwi for Sagan Tosu; Kang Song-Ho for Shimizu S-Pulse; and Ryang Yong-Gi for Vegalta Sendai.

[Livingston nil, Greenock Morton nil. Morton evade relegation. They will finish seventh or eighth, depending on the final score against Raith Rovers next Saturday. Queen of the South are relegated. Ayr can avoid finishing ninth only if they make up a 17 goal deficit next weekend. Dunfermline win, and are not relegated from the SPL yet.]

Last Match Against Ross County For a While

Highlanders Academy. 

Ross County visit Cappielow today for the last time in who can say. The Staggies gained promotion on April 10th and barring a total collapse by Inverness Caledonian Thistle in the five weeks of the split season the two former Highland League clubs will be playing derbies in the SPL next year. Considering that both clubs only entered the SFL in 1993-94 it's a remarkable success story.

Take a moment to consider the Highland history of Greenock. Greenock once had a large Gaelic-speaking contingent. A Gaelic chapel was built in 1791 and the first Highlanders' Academy building went up in 1835.

On a musical note. Did the Beatles ever play Greenock? No. Did they ever play Dingwall? Yes!

If Morton win today, and Raith and Ayr both lose, Morton will be free of the drop zone and can finish the season no worse than seventh. But if Morton lose, and Raith, Ayr and Queen of the South all win, Morton could still finish tenth.

I know I go on and on about relegation and promotion, but as a North American the whole process is fascinating to me. Our sports league are all built of franchises that have bought their way into the league and might be moved from city to city or go bankrupt but never be demoted to a minor league. If Scottish football were organized like a North American league there would be far fewer clubs, and certainly very few senior clubs. The pro league would consist of the, say, twelve clubs with the largest stadiums. Those are: Celtic, Queen's Park (who of course would have to go professional), Rangers, Aberdeen, Hibs, Kilmarnock, Hearts, Edinburgh City (who occupy Meadowbank Stadium), Dundee United, Motherwell, Dunfermline and Morton. Include Murrayfield, the rugby stadium, and Cappielow slips out of the top twelve.

The Greenock Telegraph has been taken over by the Bank of Scotland.

For a second there I thought Morton had gained promotion, but it was Reading.

Cowdenbeath can clinch the Second Division with a win today.

Altrincham travel to Eastwood Town in Nottinghamshire to play the Badgers.

[Okay! Morton 1 - 1 Ross County. Goal by Smyth. Raith win but Ayr and QoS lose. Morton cannot finish tenth, and the only way for them to finish ninth is to lose both remaining matches while Ayr win both and make up a ten goal deficit. Cowdenbeath win the Second Division and are promoted. Altrincham win 6 - 1! The Robins aren't bobbins!]

Mito HollyHock host Thespa Kusatsu tomorrow. Thespa is a neologism meaning, hold on, The Spa. [Mito win 1 - 0.]

Tomorrow Pohang Steelers host Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors. [Pohang win 1 - 0.]

UCD host Sligo Rovers on Monday.

Largs Thistle play the second leg of their Junior Cup semifinal today at Barrfields Stadium in Largs.

Barrfields. Maybe UEFA should set minimum standards for the use of the word 'stadium'. Source. [Shotts win on penalty shotts.]

No More Accies' Dirty Looks

Hamilton Grammar, formerly Hamilton Academy.

Greenock Morton visit New Douglas Park today for their final meeting with Hamilton Academical of the 2011-12 school year. At stake is ... mid-table position?

This weekend it's the semifinals of the Scottish Cup. Aberdeen play Hibs, and Celtic play Hearts. A Hibs versus Hearts final would be a once in a lifetime phenomenon. They met in the Scottish Cup final once before, in 1896. [Hibs win their semifinal!] [And Hearts win theirs!]

Tomorrow is the first leg of the Scottish Junior Cup semi-finals. Largs Thistle visit Shotts Bon Accord, and Auchinleck Talbot tangle with Bonnyrigg Rose Athletic. Are these the names of football clubs or fortified wines? Largs have signed Creag Little from Greenock Morton. [Shotts 1 - 1 Largs.]

With 40 points and four games remaining Morton appear likely to stay in the First Division for another year. They have not been demoted since they suffered two consecutive relegations in 2001 and 2002. If Morton can win three of their last four matches it'll produce their best points total since they were promoted to the First Division.

What has become of the clubs that have been relegated from the First Division these past five years?

Ross County. Demoted 2007, promoted 2008, will be promoted to the SPL at the end of this season.

Livingston. Entered administration at the beginning of 2009-10 and were demoted straight to the Third Division. Won the Third Division that year, the Second Division the next, and are now back in the First Division.

Ayr United. Demoted 2010, promoted 2011.

Cowdenbeath. Demoted 2011. Might be promoted this year.

Airdrie United. Demoted 2007. Promoted 2008. Avoided demotion in 2009 due to Livingston's sudden exile. Demoted 2010.

Stirling Albion. Demoted 2008, promoted 2010, demoted 2011, could fall to the Third Division at the end of this season.

Clyde. Lost a playoff in 2008 and would have been demoted but for Gretna's demise. Demoted 2009. Demoted to the Third Division in 2010. Languishing there.

[Hamilton 4 - 3 Morton. Morton goals by McGeouch and Young, plus an own goal. Ayr win, and Raith and QoS also gain points, so the season ain't over yet.]

Summer football. Last night UDC hosted red and black Bohemian FC. Today Pohang Steelers entertained Jeju United. Tomorrow Mito HollyHock visit Avispa Fukuoka. [UCD 1 - 2 Bohs. Pohang 2 - 3 Jeju. Avispa 1 - 1 HollyHock.]

Thistle Do Ye

Partick Thistle visit Cappielow today for one last attempt at getting back that pound note from the Linen Bank they lent Morton in 1969.

The British Linen Bank used to have a branch on Cathcart Square, near the Town Hall. Napkins and tea towels were once legal tender in Scotland, you know. The ten pound note was a bedsheet.

Over the past decade, how many points have the tenth place teams of the First Division earned? From best to worst: 39 (Clyde '08-09), 37 (Ross County '06-07), 35 (Raith Rovers '01-02), 31 (Ayr United '09-10), 27 (Brechen City '03-04), 24 (Stirling Albion '07-08), 20 (Stirling Albion '10-11), 17 (Brechin City '05-06), 16 (Raith Rovers '04-05), 15 (Arbroath '02-03). This year, with five games to go, Queen of the South have 30.

Alloa Athletic won the Third Division Saturday, and Celtic have won the SPL. Ross County will win the First Division today if Dundee draw or lose, or tomorrow if they themselves tie or defeat Ayr. That leaves the Second Division, which could go to either Cowdenbeath or last year's Third Division winner Arbroath.

[Morton win 1 - 0. Goal by MacDonald. Morton have 40 points, eight up on ninth place. QoS tie Dundee and lift their tenth-place total to 31. Ross County have won the First Division.]

Easter Greenock

Port Glasgow has Newark Castle. Did Greenock ever have a castle? Uh huh. Easter Greenock Castle stood about half a mile uphill from Cappielow Park. It was in pretty rough shape when this sketch was done two hundred years ago. The ruin was carted off in the 1830s when found to be in the path of a railway. The name Castle Road is all that remains. Tales of the Oak quotes the following brilliant line about the castle's decline, that could easily have been written about this year's Greenock Morton season: And thus the ancient glory of Greenock is now crowned with a colony of piggeries.

Queen of the South FC visit Cappielow Park today for their final meeting of 2011-12 with Greenock Morton. QoS are coming off a victory over Ayr United last weekend. If the Doonhamers win today, and Ayr and Raith both lose, QoS will be in eighth place. Morton, who hold seventh, would naturally also like to win and perhaps place Partick Thistle between them and the bottom group. A win today would also preserve the possibility of the Ton ending this season with a .500 record at home. Morton are without three suspended players today.

[Morton 2 - 2 QoS. Goals by Bachirou and MacDonald. Raith win, so Morton are five points clear of ninth with five games remaining.]

[Celtic win the SPL and avenge their League Cup loss by beating Kilmarnock 6 - 0.]

Falkirk won the Scottish Challenge Cup last weekend. They are the most successful club in the (brief) history of that competition.

Scottish football is beginning to resemble Scottish history. That is, the throat-cutting parts.

Big game today at the Big O as Montreal Impact host Toronto FC. [Montreal win 2 - 1!]

Altrincham are home to Hyde. [Altrincham 1 - 3 Hyde.]

Last night UDC AFC visited Derry City at The Brandywell. Derry City is situated in Northern Ireland, and played in the league there until 1971. They were temporarily expelled from the League of Ireland in 2009 for writing secret player contracts, a charge now biting Rangers on the ass. Archie McLeod played for them in the Thirties. [0 - 0.]

Tomorrow Mito HollyHock host JEF United, who come from Chiba, not Chibi, and Pohang visit Seongnam. [Mito 0 - 1 Chiba. Seongnam 0 - 2 Pohang.]

 

The Red and the Black, Part XIV

Brantford Galaxy versus Hamilton Croatia. Pic.

The search for association football clubs that wear the outfit of the Beano's Dennis the Menace -- red and black hooped jersey, black shorts, red socks -- as their home strip has produced six examples worldwide: one in the Scottish juniors, one in Denmark, one in Bosnia, one in South Korea, and two in Brazil. All that is left now is to check out North America.

Panama. Sporting San Miguelito wear a red and black striped jersey, black shorts with a red stripe up the side, and red socks.

Costa Rica. Liga Deportiva Alajuelense: black and red striped jersey, black sorts, red socks.

Nicaragua. Deportivo Walter Ferretti: red and black striped shirt, black shorts, black socks.

Honduras. Atlético Independiente: red jersey, black shorts, red socks.

El Salvador. CD Atlético Balboa: black and red striped jersey, black shorts, red socks.

Guatemala. Ninguno.

Belize. Belize Defence Force FC: red shirt and shorts, black socks. Same for San Felipe Barcelona.

Mexico! Club Atlas (Los Rojinegros or The Red-blacks) wear a black and red halved jersey, black shorts and black socks. Club Tijuana: red top with black sleeves, black shorts and socks. Corsarios de Campeche: red jersey, black shorts, red socks. Caballeros de Córdoba wear a red jersey, black shorts and red socks. Atlético Hidalgo: red shirt, black shorts, red socks.

USA. Cincinnati Kings: black jersey, red shorts, black socks. Western Mass Pioneers: red jersey, black shorts, red socks. Ditto Fredericksburg Hotspur. Ditto Laredo Heat. Fresno Fuego: red and black striped jersey, black shorts, black socks.

Canada. WSA Winnipeg: black jersey with red yolk, black shorts, black socks. Brantford Galaxy: red and black striped jersey, black shorts, red socks.

And that is that. The next country is Greenland, where we began.

To Somerset Park

Somerset Park patch for Pro Evolution Soccer 2011.

To Somerset Park in Ayr today for the season's final meeting between Greenock Morton and Ayr United. Both clubs are in the bottom half of the division, but whereas you'd have to say it has been a lacklustre year for Morton, it's been not so bad for Ayr. The Honest Men have reached the quarterfinals of the Scottish Cup, the semifinals of the League Cup, and have been out of the relegation zone a good bit of the time, all this from a club expected by most to occupy tenth place the year through. Having said that, the Ton have won the three previous meetings with Ayr.

Read the history of Somerset Park here.

Tomorrow is the final of the Johnstone's Paint Trophy in England, between Chesterfield and Swindon Town. [Chesterfield win 2 - 0.]

I'd completely forgotten I was going to follow Altrincham FC this season, in honour of Frank Sidebottom. There are a few matches left, any road. Today Altrincham play host to Solihull Moors at Moss Lane. It's the only pitch in England with artificial moss installed. You know it is, it really is. [1-1.]

In Japan Mito HollyHock host Matsumoto Yamaga. Yamaga was the name of a cafe where Matsumoto footballers hung out in the 1960s, so Matsumoto Yamaga is a bit like Greenock Morton in that respect. [FT 0 - 0.]

Last night UCD paid a visit to Dundalk and lost 2 - 1.

Pohang Steelers host Sangju Phoenix tomorrow. [Steelers win 2 - 1.]

L'Impact de Montréal visit the Columbus Crew in Ohio. [Columbus 2, Montréal 0.]

Morton approach today's match in seventh place with 35 points. In recent years how many points have been enough to avoid the relegation zone? 2006-07: 41. 2007-08: 38 (although Morton squeaked in with 37 points and a better goal difference than Clyde). 2008-09: 43. 2009-10: 34. 2010-11: 36. This season it might require a point total higher than any of those.

While the Ton are away this week, Cappielow is being used for the UEFA European under-17 championship. On Tuesday Denmark and Iceland tied 2 - 2. Tomorrow Scotland face Denmark. [Scotland 2 - Denmark 3.]

Morton have next weekend off due to Falkirk's participation in the Ramsdens (or Challenge) Cup. Falkirk and Hamilton are to meet in the final on April Fools Day at Braidwood (or Almondvale) Stadium in Livingston. The Ramsdens Cup, you might say, is Scotland's answer to the Johnstone's Paint Trophy. Note: Braidwood is not to be confused with Broadwood, which is where Clyde play.

So is Almondvale (or Braidwood) the Hampden Park of the SFL? No. In fact this is the first time the Challenge Cup final has been staged there. The final has been played eight times at McDiarmid Park in Perth, four times each at Broadwood in Cumbernauld and Fir Park in Motherwell, twice at Excelsior Stadium in Airdrie, and once each at Dens Park in Dundee and Love Street in Paisley. You'll notice that these venues are not all SFL parks. You'd need a big stadium to contain all those rabid Challenge Cup fans, I suppose. Except that the Challenge Cup final has only drawn as many as 10,000 fans twice, in 1990 and 1993.

[Ayr 0 - 0 Morton. Raith also tie, so Morton remain in seventh, six points clear of ninth.]

Next Saturday's soccer post will be the final installment of The Red and The Black.