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Tweeter yammar1972 has a nice set of photos of Tokyo Big Sight during the set up for Comiket 81.
Stomping Ground
Shot of a Klingon K'Vort-class Bird of Prey streaking
through space at warp speed.
Cut to the murky interior of the aft cargo-hold. Dim
reddish lighting picks out the two parallel rows of vertical
structural supports running down the length of the ship and
dividing the hold into a central aisle and two darkened side-
aisles. The centre area is empty, but the darkened sides are
alive with expectant, whispering rows of Klingon crewmembers.
Four figures in cloaks and body-armour emerge and move into the
centre aisle.
Hotspur: "ramvamDaq ghaH wISuv."
["We'll fight with him to-night."]
Worcester: "Qo'. qaSQo' 'oH."
["It may not be."]
Douglas: "vaj ghaHvaD 'eb Danob SoH."
["You give him then advantage."]
Vernon: "vInobbe'."
["Not a whit."]
Hotspur: "qatlh Dajatlh'a'. SojDaj nejbe''a' ghaH."
["Why say you so? Looks he not for supply?"]
Vernon: "'ej manej."
["So do we."]
Hotspur: "ngeD Qu'Daj 'ach ngeDbe' Qu'maj."
["His is certain, ours is doubtful."]
Worcester: "joH, DaqeSlu'. ramvamDaq yIvIHQo'."
["Good cousin, be advis'd, stir not to-night."]
Vernon: "yIratlh, joHwI'."
["Do not, my lord."]
Douglas: "qeS QaQ Danobbejbe'.
Da'ItchoHmoHlu'pu'. jatlh tIqlI' bIr.
["You do not counsel well.
You speak it out of fear and cold heart."]
[Drops bat'telh.]
Vernon: [Begins long self-exculpating speech, but all eyes are
on the bat'telh.]
Voice from audience: "qeylIS pong, nuHlIj yIwoH."
["In the name of Kahless, pick up your
weapon!"]
[Douglas picks up weapon.]
(Later:)
Blunt: "muSHa'ghach ghop poS je bolaj vIneH."
["I would you would accept of grace and love."]
Hotspur: "'ej chaq 'e' wIta'."
["And may be so we shall."]
Blunt: "qeylIS pong, yIta'"
["Pray God you do."]
[Exeunt.]
[Hotspur to DRG as they leave the stage:]
"DouglaslI' qab law' Hoch qab puS."
["You're the worst Douglas ever."]
"Crawlspace. The final frontier. These are the voyages of
The Door Repair Guy. His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
gone before."
[Music: drum, horn and anvil.]
Star Trek: Door Repair Guy
[Whoosh! Klingon K'Vort-class Bird of Prey swoops by.]
Starring
Door Repair Guy as
lojmIt tI'wI' ghot
[Whoosh! Klingon K'Vort-class Bird of Prey swoops by.]
Also Starring
Ernest Borgnine as
Krell
Vanilla Ice as
Vernon
Any one of those babes from American Gladiators as
R'Evakh
Mr T as
Bulokh
Mark Messier as
lojmIt veqlargh
[Whoosh! Klingon K'Vort-class Bird of Prey swoops past a Voyager
space probe, comes back about, blows it to Hell, and continues on
its way.]
[Commercial:
"So Mr Big misses. Again. And I say to myself, `Sink this
and you gotta hang around here and humiliate another one of these
fine gentlemen; miss intentionally and you can savour a smooth
Genuine Mud Beer in a less hostile atmosphere.' Then I see this
*Nausicaan* putting together his custom-made pool cue and I
think, `Let's welcome our next contestant.'"]
The Klingon Homeworld. The K'Vort-class Bird of Prey enters
the shot, slowing to impulse power.
A sidewalk in the capital city. Door Repair Guy, still
dressed in Klingon garb, materializes in a Klingon transporter
effect and staggers forward as if he has been thrown into the
transporter beam at the other end.
Passerby: "yIyep, tera'ngan."
["Look out, Human!"]
DRG: "yIjatlhQo'."
["Shut up!"]
The passerby laughs heartily and passes by.
DRG (to himself): "`Bajor? I thought you said "bIjor!"'"
["You explode."] He looks around and cranes his neck to read the
street sign carved into a nearby wall. "The Old City. My old
stomping ground. May as well have a look around."
He sees a familiar door.
"House of Kruge! I did the screens on that place. Seem to
have been torn off again though. Hm."
A Klingon notices him examining the doorframe and becomes
suspicious.
"nuq bInID."
["What are you attempting?"]
DRG takes a deep breath, and turns belligerently.
"yItamchoH. chamwI' 'um jIH. jIHlojmItvam QIHlu'ta'."
["Shut up! I am a qualified technician! Someone has
damaged this screen door!"]
"Ha ha ha ha! Qugh be'nal."
["Ha ha ha ha. Kruge's wife."]
The Klingon goes on his way, and DRG goes his.
Next up is a very old wooden door completely covered with
carven lettering. It's quite an elaborate and pointed door
curse. Door curses are a traditional part of Klingon door
design. They are intended to discourage casual visiting and to
establish clearly in the mind of the person entering the house
the various house rules the breaking of which could lead to bad
feelings and injury. This one promises the tearing off of the
ears to any Klingon who fails to wipe his feet. DRG has always
liked this door and often ate his lunch outside it in his
apprentice days. He smiles nostalgically, then says, "Hey! The
Door of the Third Moon!"
He hurries around the corner toward the site of his
Eleventh-Rank piece. The Eleventh Rank is an honour conferred on
a doorhanger only when the quality of indestructibility is deemed
to have been achieved. Door Repair Guy built the Door of the
Third Moon from stone quarried on the moon in question, a
satellite rich in naturally-occurring titanium. DRG's employer
Krell had walked around and around the finished slab, jolting it
with disruptor fire for three hours before he finally grinned and
muttered, "majQa'". Krell is perhaps the best known of Klingon
doorhangers. His motto is: "lojmItmeywIj boQaw'laHbe'". ["You
cannot destroy my doors."]
Door Repair Guy comes up a rubble-strewn path, slowing as he
recognizes the twinkle of shattered titanium underfoot. He rubs
his chin apprehensively. Cautiously he puts his head in the
gaping doorway. Rough hands grab him by the shoulders and swing
him against a nearby wall.
Krell: "lojmItwIj Qaw'lu'ta'."
["Something has destroyed my door!"]
DRG: "Gulp."
[Commercial:
"I want a snack!"
"I want it now!"
"Hey, kids! Download this!"
"Computer Chips!"
"Computer Chips: the silicon-based snack."
"Crunchy!"
"I feel smarter already!"
"From the makers of Documints."]
Close-up of Krell and Door Repair Guy standing nose-to-nose.
Krell has his spring-loaded d'k tahg knife out.
A voice: "SoSloDnI'wI', pIch ghajbe' lojmIt ti'wI' ghot.
nuq pegh ghajbej Bulokh."
["Uncle, it's not Door Repair Guy's fault. Bulokh certainly
has a secret weapon."]
Krell glances over his shoulder, considers, then snorts in
Door Repair Guy's face and drops him.
"pongwIj QaQ QIH wanI'vam."
["This incident damages my good name."]
"vaj Bulokh lojmItmey wa' wIQaw'nIS."
["Then we must destroy one of Bulokh's doors."]
DRG struggles up from the floor.
"'Iv ghaH Bulokh'e'."
["Who is Bulokh?"]
Krell: "'ovwI'."
["A competitor."]
The old doorhanger slouches across the room, kicking debris.
The nephew steps up and brushes off DRG's armour.
"jech 'IH. 'ach 'ejyo'vaD bIvum 'e' vIQub."
["Handsome outfit. But I thought you worked for
Starfleet."]
"pongwIj vISovnesbe'."
["I do not have the honour of knowing your name."]
Krell: "Vernon ghaH, be'nI'wI' puqloD, boQwI' je."
["He is Vernon, my sister's son, and my assistant."]
"Huj."
["Strange."]
Vernon: "qatlh."
["Why?"]
"Vernon cha'DIch SoHbogh DaHjaj vIqIHta'."
["You're the second Vernon I've met today."]
Krell: "'e' yIlIj. bortaSmaj wInabnIS. laSvarghDaq
wIghoS."
["Forget about that. We must plan our revenge. To the
factory."]
He stomps out, followed by Vernon and Door Repair Guy, who
get stuck in the doorway by both trying to go through at the same
time. They growl at each other.
Camera draws back from landscape painting of the Old City.
[Commercial:
"Avril Cruickshank, breeder of Portuguese Blue Sea-Dogs."
"My dogs have special nutritional needs. An adult
Portuguese Blue may swim six, seven, eight nautical miles in a
day against eight or ten foot swells. They need the vitamins and
proteins they get from Pedigree Sea Chow."
Shot of Avril pouring the Sea Chow into a bowl amid eager
blue-grey retrievers.
"They love the sea cucumber, crunchy urchin, and big meaty
chunks of shark."
View from inside a dory of dog's head dropping fish over the
bulwark and diving back into the sea.]
Camera moves in on landscape painting of the Old City.
Cut to street scene as Krell, Vernon and Door Repair Guy clomp
down a wide pedestrian mall toward Krell's factory. Klingons of
various age and occupation move past them. A roar comes from a
nearby hall. DRG glances up at the sign.
**************************
* Qapla' yIyInqa' *
* *
* Melota *
* *
* cha'DIch DIS Dun *
**************************
[Relive the success.
Melota!
Second great year.]
DRG: "bIrchoH."
["Cool."]
Vernon: "tugh."
["Come on!]
Interior view of Krell's factory. Klingons are hard at work
at all kinds of jobs, most of which seem to produce constant
showers of sparks and other lighting effects. The sound effects
department is also on the job, providing an aural spectrum of
cutting, welding and pounding sound effects. Krell, Vernon and
Door Repair Guy enter. A tall, powerfully built Klingon woman
puts down her molecular welder, removes her protective visor, and
advances in DRG's direction, purring.
"targh mach. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."
["Little targ." Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."]
"`nuqneH,' vIjatlhruppu' 'ach vISovchu'."
["I was ready to say, `What do you want?' but I certainly
know."]
Vernon: "Grrrrrrrr. not mutlha'."
["Grrrrrrrr. She never chases after me."]
["neH juppu' ngo' maH."]
DRG: "We're just old friends."
Krell: "bIjatlh 'e' yImev. naDev yIghos."
["Shut up. Come over here."]
DRG and Vernon follow Krell into his office. Krell closes
the door behind them and shoots the bolt. He walks to a safe and
activates it with a forehead scan. The safe unfolds to reveal a
device of unknown provenance.
Vernon: "nuq 'oH."
["What is it?"]
DRG: "'oH nuq."
["What is it?"]
Krell: "nujDu'ra' tISoQmoH. jan 'oH. 'eng Sub QorghlaH."
["Shut up! It's a device. It will be able to take care of
Solid Cloud."]
DRG: "'Iv."
["Who?"]
Vernon: "lojmIt. _lojmItQed_ DalaDQo''a'."]
["A door! Don't you read _Door Studies_?"]
DRG: "Quv choH ghItlhHom tu'Ha'lu'bejpu'."
["The change of address card must've got lost!"]
Krell: "SoQlIj yIghup. 'eng Sub chenmoHta' Bulokh. lojmIt
Dun. cha' 'u'meyDaq yIn 'oH. ngoS 'ej ngoSHa'. 'oH wIHoHnIS."
["Shut up! Bulokh built Solid Cloud. Magnificent door. It
inhabits two universes. It dissolves and undissolves. We must
kill it."]
There is a loud pounding on the door.
Krell: "nuq."
["What!?"]
Voice: "joHwI'. pawpu' De'. 'eng Sub Qaw'lu'ta'."
["My lord! Word has arrived! Solid Cloud has been
destroyed!"]
Camera closes in on astonished faces of Krell, Vernon and
Door Repair Guy.
[Bob:
"Back to Star Trek: Door Repair Guy in just a moment. First
I want to reach over to the bookcase because it's time for
WHAT'S BOB READING?
And today, in honour of the all-Klingon episode, I've got the
latest issue of _nujQeD_, the official journal of the Klingon
Dental Institute. _nujQeD_ means `Mouth Studies'. It's put out
by a bunch of fans who just happen to be dentists, orthodontists,
periodontists . . . and all those kind of people most people
would rather meet a Klingon than. Here are a few of the many
interesting -- and informative -- articles: `Does Klingon
Anatomical Redundancy Extent to the Uvula?' -- that's that little
bit hanging down in the back of your mouth; `Canine, the Tooth of
Honour'; `How to Get the Klingon to Sit in the Chair: Notes from
the Battlefront'; and my personal favorite, `Gowron: There's a
Beautiful Smile in There Somewhere'. On newstands now. Back to
Door Repair Guy after this."]
[Commercial: The Labatt 18-Wheeler.]
The snarling face of Bulokh fills the camera.
"RRrrRRrrrR!! Hegh Qel."
["RRrrRRrrrR!! Krell dies!!"]
The camera swings around to take in the rubble-strewn foyer.
Black scorch-marks radiate from the shattered entrance.
"joHwI'. 'oH Qawta' Qel chay' 'e' DaSov. povamDaq lojmIt
chIl ghaH."
["My lord. How do you know that Krell destroyed it? He
lost a door this morning."]
"to'. lojmItDaj Qawta' ghaH. vaj nabDaj So' ghaH."
["Tactics. He destroyed his own door. In that way he
conceals his intentions."]
"nuq nab."
["What does he plan?"]
"nuchelHa'."
["To eliminate us."]
"chay' jura'."
["What must we do?"]
"mo' wIpoSmoH. boQ. Qel yIrI'."]
["We must lay a trap. Secretary. Get me Krell."]
R'Evakh is backing Door Repair Guy around various work
stations on the factory floor.
"vaj, maghomqa', targh mach."
["So, we meet again, little targ."]
"poH tIQ leghbe', jIloy."
["Long time no see, I guess!"]
"wa'logh vay' wIchu'pu'. DaH wIrInmoH."
["We started something once. Now let's finish it."]
"DaH jIrInrup."
["I'm ready to be finished now."]
"majQa'."
["Excellent."]
Krell: "lojmIt tI'wI' ghot. naDev yIghoS."
["Door Repair Guy! Come here!"]
DRG: "qabqu'. jIqetnIs."]
["Too bad! Gotta run!"]
Scrams.
R'Evakh: "leSDaq qaghoS. vI'Ip."
["Someday I will have you. I swear it."]
Krell: "maja'chuq neH Bulokh."
["Bulokh wants to talk."]
Vernon: "nuqDaq."
["Where?"]
"veng tamey vaS."
["Municipal Records Hall."]
"loD 'ar."
["How many men?"]
"vaghmaH."
["Fifty."]
DRG: "loD."
["Man!"]
Krell: "tugh qaS Suv. bIbep'a'."
["There will be a fight. Do you object?"]
"Douglasna' jIH."
["I am a veritable Douglas."]
"SeyqSpeyr. majQa'. HItlha'."
["Shakespeare! Excellent. Follow me!"]
Again DRG and Vernon lock shoulders on the way out the door.
Both: "Grrrrrrrrrrr."
[Commercial: Fresh Ontario gakh.]
Camera moves in on landscape painting of the Old City. Cut
to interior of the Municipal Records Hall. Bulokh and fifty
heavily-armed Klingons stand to one side as Krell and his faction
enter through the great door.
Bulokh: "lojmIt yISoQmoH."
["Shut the door!"]
Krell nods and several stout door-repairmen pull it shut.
It closes with a resounding boom.
Krell: "lojmIt Dun."
["A great door."]
Bulokh: "lojmIt HoS law' bov Hoch HoS puS."
["The strongest door of its age."]
Krell: "'oH DaQaw'laH 'e' vIHon."
["I doubt you are able to destroy it."]
Bulokh: "choquvmoHHa'. vay' vIQaw'laH."
["You dishonour me. I can destroy anything (or anyone)."]
Krell: "batlhlIj DaQaw' SoH."
["You destroy your own honour."]
Bulokh: "choQeHchoHmoH.'
["You're making me angry."]
Krell: "majQa'."
[If you don't know that one by now you haven't been paying
attention.]
Bulokh: "loDpu'. nuqmey."
["Men! Weapons!"]
Leathery metallic sound as a hundred Klingons draw and point
their weapons. The camera dollies past the ranks of stern,
expectant Klingon faces. The anticipation of a good bloodbath is
palpable.
A deep groan fills the chamber. All eyes flick toward the
great door.
The door is bending inward. Its surface is cracking and
bursting off. Volleys of metal rivets explode out of its
stretching seams. Blue bolts of static electricity run up and
down it. The sound of tearing metal fills the hall.
The door shatters into a thousand pieces, staggering the
Klingons and showering them with debris. Through the entrance
steps a mighty-thewed figure with a huge monstrous head and claws
for fingers.
"lojmIt veqlargh jIH."
["I am the Door Fek'lhr."]
As a group the Klingons scramble for their weapons and open
fire on the creature. It rocks its head from side to side,
sweeping the energy bolts from its path with bats of its arms.
It advances into the room, searching its prey.
"batlh tIchlu'pu'. loD vIwam."
["Honour has been insulted. I seek the man."]
The Fek'lhr advances toward Door Repair Guy who is still
trying to extricate himself from a pile of Klingons.
"ghaH vItu'ta' jIH."
["I have found him."]
The Fek'lhr reaches down toward Door Repair Guy, grasps a
limb, and pulls out . . . Vernon. It lifts him into the air.
"qighmey Datlhappu'. Hap qab Dalo'pu'. vaj juHlij
DaquvmoHHa'pu'."
["You have cut corners and used substandard materials,
dishonouring your house."]
It holds the struggling Klingon over its head, turning
triumphantly.
DRG: "nuqDaq ghaH Datlhap'a'."
["Where are you taking him?"]
All the Klingons on the floor turn and look at him,
incredulous.
The Fek'lhr: "ghe''or. 'Iv ghotvam."
["The netherworld. Who is this guy?"]
Krell: "ghaH yIbuSQo'."
["Don't bother about him!"]
The Fek'lhr sizes up Door Repair Guy for a moment or two,
then howls and disappears into an expensive special effect,
taking Vernon with him.
Slowly the Klingon doorhangers rise to their feet.
Bulokh: "'e' bolegh'a'."
["Did you see that?"]
The Klingons grunt in assent.
"vaj pagh ghom QIch yIjatlh."
["So no more union talk."]
DRG approaches Krell who is standing apart.
Krell: "batlhwIj QIHpu' Vernon. chay' lojmItmey vIngevlaH."
["Vernon has damaged my honour. How can I sell doors?"]
DRG: "BajorDaq Duj DaSuqlaH'a'."
["Can you get me a ride to Bajor?"]
Krell: "qatlh."
["Why?"]
They confer. In a moment Krell leads DRG to the centre of
the hall.
Krell: "jatlh neH."
["He has something to say."]
DRG: "pIch vIghaj. vIponpu'. naDHa'ghach vIlaj."
["It's my fault. I persuaded him. I accept
discommendation."]
A gasp passes round the hall. The Klingons draw themselves
to their full height, cross their forearms across their chests,
and turn their backs. Long crane shot as Door Repair Guy walks
through the crowd and out the shattered door. On the step he
meets R'Evakh. She runs up the steps and when she reaches the
top she flattens him with a right to the jaw.
Stars. Deep Space Nine space station drifts into the shot.
A Klingon Bird of Prey sweeps past and curves, dwindling, toward
the station.
Passengers disembark through one of the distinctive round
Cardassian airlock ports. Security Chief Odo stands to one side
with his hands folded behind his back, giving each newcomer a
good look. After the last Klingon stomps off Odo leans toward
the airlock and demands:
"Are you coming or not?"
"I'm just looking at this door."
"Ah. You'd be that missing technician Mr O'Brien has been
fuming about. We've been waiting for you."
A little later:
"I hope you like your new quarters."
Odo nods with satisfaction and walks off to his office.
Door Repair Guy leans back on the bench and looks around the
security cell.
"There's no place like home."
------------
Written by Douglas A. McLeod ([email protected])
------------
Notes on Stomping Ground.
Klingons! Klingons, Klingons, Klingons! Those were my words exactly when they broadcast the TNG episode "Heart of Glory" in March 1988.
What is the correct Klingon translation of "door repair guy"? For brevity and concision you have to go with lojmIt tI'wI' (door technician). I have always favoured lojmIt tI'wI' ghot (door technician's person) because it has three words and one of them sounds like "goat". I've also seen lojmIt tI'wI nuv (nuv also means person), and I guess lojmIt tI'wI' loD (door technician's man) would do as well.
The play is Part I of Henry IV, Act IV, scene iii. Archibald, Earl of Douglas is Shakespeare's most Klingon character.
"So, Mr Big misses. Again." This was one of my all-time favourite commercials, shot in black and white and largely made up of close-ups of some very interesting faces, including that of Julian Richings. I've been trying to find it on YouTube to no avail, partly because I can't remember which beer they were selling.
Melota! is the Broadway version of the Klingon opera Aktuh and Melota.
Canine is the best tooth.
This wraps up the group of miscellaneous adventures separating the TNG and DS9 sections of Door Repair Guy. They are probably the best representative sample of the series, a bit like the Original Series episodes that aired around March 1967, starting with "Space Seed" and ending with "The City on the Edge of Forever" (if you ignore that stinker "The Alternative Factor").
It's Spengler Cup time again. I think this is my favourite hockey tournament of the year because, for one thing, it occurs in winter, unlike a certain Dominion Hockey Challenge Cup I might mention, and because it takes place in the world's coolest rink, the 7000-seat cathedral named Vaillant Arena in Davos, Switzerland. The six teams participating this year are host HC Davos, Swiss rival Kloten Flyers, Dinamo Riga, HC Vitkovice, Grizzly Adams Wolfsburg, and Team Canada. Davos has won the tournament fourteen times. Team Canada, made up of Canadians playing in the European leagues, has won eleven. It's Kloten's second appearance in the tournament. Kloten right winger Roman Wick is an ex-Senator, and helped win the Calder Cup in Binghamton last year. Dinamo Riga, from Latvia, are participating for the first time. Tomas Kudelka of Vitkovice has also played for the Binghamton Senators. Yes, EHC Wolfsburg is really named after the TV show Grizzly Adams. [Team Canada eliminated by Grizzly Adams. Davos beat Riga in the final.]
To Dundee today for a Boxing Day fixture against the Dark Blues.
Morton and Dundee FC have had mirror opposite seasons. Dundee secured only two wins in the first quarter and briefly occupied the bottom rung, but have found their way since and are now in third place. Morton surprised everyone by holding the top position for several weeks in September, but are now in the lower half of the table. It's as if this year's First Division were a game of Snakes and Ladders!
Q: How have the Ton fared in Boxing Day matches since rejoining the First Division?
December 26, 2010: game against Stirling Albion postponed due to snow.
December 26, 2009: game against Ayr United postponed due to snow.
December 27, 2008: Airdrie United beat them 1 - 0 at Excelsior Stadium.
December 26, 2007: Dunfermline beat them 1 - 0 at Cappielow.
A: Not so well.
More proposals for change: league restructuring; terraces. Thumbs up to the idea of a pyramid system that would allow clubs to earn a place in the Third Division and help put East Stirlingshire out of its misery. Stuart McCaffrey on the urgent need for Scotland to switch to summer football.
Stuart McCaffrey on the restorative powers of alcohol.
Suitable for Christmas cards. Matthew Craven will become your favourite football illustrator just as soon as you click here.
Round Five of the Emperor's Cup was played on Christmas Eve. The winners were: FC Tokyo, Kyoto Purple Sanga, Cerezo Osaka, Yokohama F. Marinos. Yokohama were 5th in J1 this year, Osaka 12th. FC Tokyo finished 1st in J2 and were promoted. Kyoto were 7th in J2. The semifinals take place on the 29th and the final on New Year's Day.
[Morton win 1 - 0! Goal by Jackson. Morton move into sixth, ahead of Hamilton.]
Krtek is a little animated mole from Czechoslovakia whose film career spans the years 1957 to 2002. He lives in a robustly floral environment somewhere between early Disney and Ren and Stimpy, inhabited by sympathetic animal friends, with whom he interacts with all the curiosity, inventiveness and social forwardness of a five-year-old. Almost every episode uses the formula "Krtek and ..." for its title, like the chapters in "Yotsuba&!" The first film, Jak krtek ke kalhotkám přišel, is about pants.
A Wonderful Place To Be In
"Where's the remote? Seinfeld's coming on."
"Uh uh. I'm watching Door Repair Guy."
"Who would watch Door Repair Guy instead of Seinfeld?"
"The nut with the remote."
"RRRrrrrRrr!!"
View of a Bolian freighter entering planetary orbit.
Door Repair Guy is wedged in among some cargo, snoring. A
blue hand comes into the frame and shakes him by the shoulder.
"Huh?"
"We're here."
"Show me!"
He jumps up and runs to a nearby window. Below we see a
green and blue planet.
"Wait a minute! This is Nepean Five! I should know. I
grew up here! I wanted to go to Bajor!"
Shot of the Bolian's face as the light of understanding
dawns.
"Bajor? O-o-o-o-h! I thought you said *Bayshore*!"
"Crawlspace. The final frontier. These are the voyages of
The Door Repair Guy. His mission: to install and maintain
proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new
service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has
gone before."
[Music: drum, horn and anvil.]
[In Elizabethan print on white paper, like on the BBC
Shakespeare:]
Star Trek: Door Repair Guy
Starring Door Repair Guy as
Himself
Also Starring
Joe Pesci as
The New Mayor
Faye Dunaway as
Social Climber
Keanu Reeves as
Boyhood Friend
Amanda Plummer as
Official Botanist
Robertson Davies as
Pompous City Councillor
Jean-Claude Van Damme as
Inspector of Motor Vehicles
Christopher Lloyd as
Ghost of Impractical Scientist
[Stylized door emblem, with flourishes and curlicues, and tragic
and comic masks with Klingon foreheads.]
[Commercial]
"Click over and see what's on the Weather Channel."
"What's ever on the Weather Channel?"
"Okay. What's the humidex?"
"I don't know."
"Bet you it's under 35%."
Click/click/click/click/click/click/click.
HUMIDEX: 29%
"Cool." Click/click/click/click/click/click/click.
"No, dry!"
The Green Belt. Door Repair Guy materializes beside a road.
Richmond Road, in fact. A pick-up truck pulls up.
"Hey! Door Repair Guy! When'd you get back?"
"Boyhood Friend! I just beamed down! Hey, what do they
call you now?"
Boyhood Friend looks embarrassed.
"I'm between jobs. They still call me Boyhood Friend."
"Excellent. We can hang out."
Boyhood Friend perks up. DRG climbs in.
"Hey, they widened this road."
"Oh, man, there've been some changes. Baseline runs right
around the 45th parallel now. Merivale goes halfway to the South
Pole."
"Man. Hey, I thought this was the Green Belt. What's that
factory doing there?"
"That's the New Mayor. Your new Dad!"
"Great eight-track. I left a beauty on a Pakled freighter
one time. You got any Jethro Tull? . . . ! . . . My new, my
new what?"
"Your new Dad, the New Mayor? The guy your mother married?
After your father disappeared? Don't tell me you haven't . . ."
"This is news to me."
"Ulp."
Hours later. Door Repair Guy and Boyhood Friend are lying
around Boyhood Friend's rec room floor, surrounded by empty beer
bottles. The stereo is blaring "More than a Feeling" for about
the twelfth time.
"I can't believe it. Mousy Housewife married Paving
Contractor."
"Yeah, but she's Social Climber now. And he's the mayor."
"Man. And so soon after Dad dies."
Boyhood Friend sits up.
"Well, I didn't say he was dead. Just disappeared."
"You mean run off?"
"No-o-o-o-o. He was working on this thing."
"Oh yeah? That's Impractical Scientist. What was it?"
"A weed wacker. The thing about it was the mulcher. There
were no clippings."
"It ground them up good."
"No. They just disappeared."
"Weird. Hey, did you hear something?"
He turns down the stereo. A dog is barking. No, all the
dogs are barking.
They go out on the porch. Close-up of their faces as they
peer off into the dim moonlit yard.
A ghostly figure moves along the treeline at the end of the
yard.
BF: "Yikes! A ghost! It looks like your Dad! Oh, shit!"
DRG: "Come on! There are more things in heaven and earth
than are dreamt of in your philosophy!"
BF: [following] "I don't have any philosophy!"
DRG: "Hey! Ghost!"
The figure turns.
"I am not a ghost, but not really what you'd call a
ratepayer either."
"Are you the Impractical Scientist?"
"Yes. And you are the Door Repair Guy, back from the
Enterprise."
"Well, actually, I'm on my way to Bajor, but, you'll never
guess this, I was on this Bolian freighter and the guy said `Here
we are,' and I looked out the window and saw Nepean Five and I
said, `I wanted to go to Bajor', and he said . . . "
"My time is short, so listen up. The transdimensional weed
wacker is the cause of this. I designed the tool to transport
the clippings to another dimension, but I accidentally wacked
myself while I was demonstrating it to your uncle, the Paving
Contractor. He realized the weed wacker's potential as a weapon
and has used it eliminate his opponents on City Council and
establish himself as the Big Developer. He must be stopped
before he paves over the entire Green Belt."
"What's it like where you are?"
"Fishing's not bad. So far the only company is bunch of
City Councillors."
"Yikes. Can you ever get back?"
"Working on it. Not much of an industrial base over here.
So far all I can send back is this holographic image. Look out,
the suns are rising. I gotta go."
He fades away.
BF: "Wow! What next?"
DRG: "I have to have a word with Mom."
[Commercial: Genuine Mud Beer]
"Ever have that mud beer?"
"Yup."
"What's it like?"
"Brown gravy. With a buzz."
"Sounds good. I'll have to pick some up."
"Bratty Kid!"
"Mom, please, I have the eleventh rank in the Klingon Guild
of Doorhangers."
"Oh, all right, Door Repair Guy. But you'll always be
Bratty Kid to me."
"So what's this about you marrying Uncle Paving Contractor?"
"Well, you come right to the point, don't you?"
"You might of told me."
"I sent you numerous subspace messages but the subspace
server bounced them back as undeliverable."
"Oh, well, yeah, I was 500 million light years beyond the
galaxy."
"I'm sure you could have found a way to drop a line or two
in a mailbox."
"Yeah, I guess . . . hey, wait, I'm grilling you! I talked
to Dad last night! He's not dead, he's in another dimension!"
"He was always in another dimension."
"Well, what did you go and get remarried for?"
"Oh, I don't know. Money, status, a great house, my picture
in the papers, this marvelous crystal, two-inch shag carpetting,
a yacht at the Britannia Boat Club, sex occasionally . . ."
"Hey, I don't wanna hear about that!"
"You asked."
"Hey! Door Repair Guy. My new son!"
The New Mayor charges over with his hand stuck out in front
for a handshake.
DRG shakes.
"Oh, Bratty, pull in your lower lip."
"Mom!"
"So, how are things in the door repair racket?"
"Fine. How are things in the weed wacking racket?"
"I like you, kid. You got moxy. You ever thought of going
into business?"
"I have a job."
"Oh, yeah? I hear you're a couple of months late for
rollcall. Maybe they stopped waiting. Why don't you stick
around here? You could work for me."
"I'll think about it. I gotta run."
"Don't be a stranger!"
Slam!
"So, Door Repair Guy."
"Ex-girlfriend's Older Brother."
"Inspector of Motor Vehicles now. And she's not Ex-
girlfriend anymore, she's Official Botanist."
"That's good."
"When you left you made her unhappy. I don't like that.
Maybe I should bust you up right now."
"Or maybe not! I'm not so bad with a bat'telh you know!"
"But do you have one?"
"Hm, you've got a point. Bye!"
"Boy, that was close!"
"Oh!"
"Oh!"
"Ex-boyfriend!"
"Ex-girlfriend!"
"What . . . ah . . . I didn't . . . are you . . ."
"I'm just . . . there was . . . oh."
Awkward silence.
"I'm . . . I'm Official Botanist now."
"I know. I'm Door Repair Guy now."
"I know."
More silence as both of them think of things to say and
don't say them.
"Are you here for long?"
"I don't think so."
"Sorry about your Dad."
"It's okay. I spoke to him yesterday."
She looks at him with more than a grain of doubt.
"I hate it when you're weird on purpose."
"It's true! The New Mayor is using a weed wacker to destroy
the Green Belt!"
"You drive me crazy!"
"I'm sorry!"
"You broke my heart!"
"I know!"
"Don't do it again!"
"Okay!"
They both scram.
Enter Door Repair Guy.
"taH pagh taHbe'."
["To be or not to be."]
"SeyqSpeyr DaparHa''a'."
["You like Shakespeare?"]
He turns around. There is a troupe of Klingon players
standing there.
DRG: "qech vIghaj."
["I have an idea."]
[Commercial]
"Isn't there a CFL game on?"
Click/click/click.
"Who are they?"
"Shreveport and . . . ah . . . Las Vegas."
"I think Door Repair Guy's back on."
Click/click/click.
Centrepoint Theatre. DRG and Boyhood Friend are loitering
in front of a display case containing a Nepean Heritage Days
historical exhibit. They're way early so at last out of sheer
boredom they break down and have a look at it.
Through the glass we see a satellite image of the Ottawa
area on Earth. Over to the left is circular Lake Nepean. The
caption: SHORTLY AFTER THE INVENTION OF ARTIFICIAL ANTIGRAVITY,
THE INHABITANTS OF NEPEAN VOTED THEMSELVES OUT OF THE REGIONAL
GOVERNMENT. Beside the photograph are a paperback copy of James
Blish's _Cities in Flight_ and the cover of Boston's first album.
"That's my copy! Look, it says DRG in the corner. I
wondered where that went."
Next is an artist's impression of the domed city of Nepean,
Mars. THE NEPEAN COLONISTS ASSISTED IN EARLY TERRAFORMING
EXPERIMENTS. The red landscape is sprinkled with tiny, deformed
conifers.
Next is a child's drawing. NEPEAN THREE BARELY ESCAPED THE
DEPREDATIONS OF THE CRYSTALLINE ENTITY.
THE INHABITANTS OF NEPEAN FOUR THOUGHT IT WISER TO HAVE A
QUICK ESCAPE ROUTE. We see a videotape loop of a city floating
in the sky, the clouds drifting by then jumping back to their
original position and drifting by again.
BUT THE PEOPLE OF NEPEAN YEARNED FOR MORE GREEN SPACE AND SO
THEY CAME TO THIS PLANET WHERE WE HOPE THEY WILL ALWAYS STAY.
"Hey, did I tell you I got a job interview at the antigrav
station? They're thinking of doing a refit."
"That's it! The New Mayor's going to flatten the Green
Belt, then move the whole town to a new planet!"
"Gee, d'ya think?"
The place is starting to fill up. The manager of the
Klingon actors pushes through the crowd.
DRG: "SughuS'a'."
["Ready for launch?"]
"Hija', joHwI'."
["Yes, my lord."]
"yIqaw. tera'nganpu' chaH. SuSuvchugh vaj muvbe' chaH."
["Remember. They are humans. If you do a fight scene they
will not join in."]
(Walking away.) "wovwI'mey tIn."
["The big lights."]
DRG notices a couple of guys glaring from across the foyer.
"Who are the two suits?"
"Rosencrantz and Guildenstern."
"And who's the other guy?"
"Harold Pinter."
"Hm."
"There's Pompous City Councillor and his kids."
Pompous City Councillor is saying:
"I believe that what the young women of today fail to
comprehend is that one cannot wear one's trousers into bed. Ah,
I see our friend who has done such wonders for the control of
noxious weeds has arrived in all his splendour. They say he has
the purple loosestrife completely on its knees. A veritable
patron of the arts, our New Mayor. And if I may say so, his
robust and comely wife is looking more robust and comely every
day. I should not be surprised to open the papers some morning
soon and discover she has set the record for robustness and
comeliness. There's a woman who never wore her trousers into
bed, I'll warrant. Good gracious, Daughter, that's an
extraordinary boutonniere. Inspector of Motor Vehicles, my son,
would you explain that uncharacteristic bulge in your breast
pocket. Don't tell me you've begun to pack a piece."
"All right, I won't."
"I see that the hoi poloi have begun to take their seats.
Perhaps we'd best repair within."
BF: "What's he going to fix inside?"
DRG: "I don't know. We'd better get in ourselves."
The lights go down, not to black, but to Klingon dim.
Klingon musicians take up position at the corner of the stage
armed with drum, horn and anvil. They begin to play.
Enter a man and woman, very lovingly. They embrace. She
departs. The man brings out a weed wacker and begins to wack
weeds. Another man enters. The first man shows off the weed
wacker to the second. In the course of the demonstration the
first man accidentally wacks himself and disappears in a puff of
smoke.
BF: "Wow! How do they do that?"
DRG: "Smoke and transporters."
BF: "Look at the New Mayor. He's not enjoying this at all."
On stage the second man picks up the weed wacker, walks over
to a passerby and wacks him. Smoke and transporter. Now the
woman returns. The second man makes gestures appropriate to
explaining about the accident. The woman makes passionate
actions of distress. The man consoles her. They embrace and
kiss and depart arm and arm, with the weed wacker.
The New Mayor jumps out of his seat.
"You call this Art? Is this where my tax dollar goes? Come
on, Socie, we're outta here!"
[Bob:
"It's Bob. Give me the remote."
"Bob is the best part!"
"Hey, and we're back to Door Repair Guy in just a moment. I
want to take this opportunity to apologize for the technical
difficulties we were experiencing last week. As you recall the
ah couch ah exploded. Apparently we got a crow caught in the
Bussard ramscoop up on the roof and it caused an inbalance in the
quantum flux generator that runs the electrical system up here at
CHRO. But it's all for the best because I got a new set! Look,
a bookcase! Let's just pull down a book and curl up because it's
time for
WHAT'S BOB READING?
And today we're reading _Of Grammatology_ by Jacques Derrida.
Let's just see what he says. Here's a chapter called "Of
Grammatology as a Positive Science". Sounds good.
`On what conditions is a grammatology possible? Its
fundamental condition is certainly the undoing of
logocentrism.' And I think we can all see that. `But this
condition of possibility turns into a condition of
impossibility. In fact it risks destroying the concept of
science as well. Graphematics . . . or grammatography . . .
ought no longer to be presented as sciences; their goal
should be . . . exorbitant when . . . compared to . . .
grammatological . . . knowledge.'
[Grabs remote control.] I wonder what's on TV?"]
[Commercial:
"Does your mouth feel baking soda clean?"]
[Bob:
Puts hand over mouth, breathes on palm, looks extremely
uncomfortable, and creeps out of shot.]
Enter Social Climber and Pompous City Councillor.
PCC: "Prithee, madam, speak with him. The New Mayor is
beside himself. He must be persuaded to take ship immediately."
SC: "I've just about had it with him myself. I hear him
coming! Hide behind these drapes!"
PCC: "What about the weed wacker? I finished my lawn and
wanted to return it right away. I have it here."
SC: "Just keep it a minute! He's here!"
Enter Door Repair Guy.
"Now, mother, what's the matter?"
"You're driving me nuts! Your father is about ready to flip
out!"
"He's my uncle!"
"You're seriously jeopardizing operations! We think you
should take a trip!"
"I'll just bet you . . . look out, there's someone behind
those drapes! He's got the weed wacker!"
A struggle ensues, culminating in a *Bzap* and a puff of
smoke.
DRG stands with the weed wacker beside the gently waving
drapes.
"Now you've done it!"
"I'll say! I'm going, and I'm taking this with me!"
The Green Belt. Official Botanist is gathering specimens
beside a stream. DRG shows up with the wacker.
"I wanted to show you what . . ."
"So this is the famous weed wacker. Give it here."
"Hey, be careful, you'll wind up . . ."
*Bzap*
"Damn!"
[Commercial]
"Thank God! A commercial! Dibs on that chair!"
Runs to the bathroom.
"Ha! The remote."
Click/click/click/click.
Jerry: You know what I don't understand? Pon farr.
George: Pon farr?
Jerry: Pon farr. What is the deal with pon farr?
George: I don't know. What is the deal with pon farr?
Jerry: I'll tell you what the deal is with pon farr. Zero
population growth is the deal with pon farr.
[Elaine enters, fuming. She throws her shopping bag,
handbag and coat on the couch.]
Elaine: You know what I REALLY hate?
George: What?
Elaine: People who SPIT down the stairwell to see if they can hit
the lobby.
Jerry: The drooly bannister.
George: You hold the bannister?
Elaine: I need the bannister. Without the bannister I get
dizzy. I could turn an ankle. I could get vertigo.
Jerry: Like Jimmy Stewart.
Elaine: Like Jimmy Stewart.
Jerry: Bannisters are good.
George: If you ask me the city should just come around and TEAR
OUT all the bannisters.
Elaine: What would you hold on to?
George: Who would want to? This is New York! Do you think
there's someone out there just wiping down the bannisters
before you come along? Don't make me laugh.
Elaine: If someone has to spit they should at least have the
courtesy to wait til they get to the bathroom.
George: I swallow my spit.
Jerry: What I want to know is, if these Vulcan men are out there
having sex only once every seven years, what are the women
doing?
Elaine: Do you mean, are they mistresses of their own domain?
George: Maybe they're . . . you know.
Elaine: What?
George: You know.
Elaine: Do you mean, are they bi-sex-u-al?
George: A logical alternative. What about those two girls in
the camera store on 43rd?
Elaine: What about them?
George: Spock ears.
Jerry: Humans!
Elaine: Humans?
Jerry: Of course! Why didn't I think of it before? Vulcans are
always dating humans!
George: Humans!
Elaine: Humans.
[Kramer explodes through door.]
Kramer: What humans?
Elaine: Vulcans and humans, dating.
Kramer: I went out with a Vulcan last night.
Jerry: How was it?
Kramer: *Hot!* [Opens fridge.] Hey, you got any whole milk? My
mouth's all dry. I've got a bet on with the super I can hit
the lobby twelve times out of fifteen. [Drinks from the
carton.] AAaaaaaaaaaah!!
"Hey! Gimme that!"
Click/click/click/click.]
Act Five. Nepean City Hall.
The New Mayor: "Where's Pompous City Councillor? It's hard
enough as it is to get a quorum these days."
Inspector of Motor Vehicles: "Missing. So is my sister."
NM: "What about Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?"
Door Repair Guy (entering): "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
are in another dimension. I sent them there, with this." He
throws the weed wacker at the New Mayor's feet. The mayor picks
it up.
IMV: "You said you were good with a bat'telh. Now's your
chance."
Two bat'telhs come skittering into the middle of the floor.
All eyes turn to the public gallery. The Klingons players snarl
back.
Social Climber: "Developer, darling, do you think a City
Council meeting is the right venue for this sort of thing?"
New Mayor: "They should have it out. It's not good to
bottle these things up."
DRG and IMV pick up the bat'telhs and begin to circle round.
The Klingons let out a massed grunt of approval. The City
Councillors stand up on their chairs for a better view. The two
combatants execute a series of passes, the bat'telhs sweeping
through the air.
Everyone: "Whooooooaaaa!"
The weapons meet in a ring of metal.
"Ooooooohh!!"
New Mayor: "Time! Who wants a Slushie?"
Social Climber: "I'll have one."
New Mayor: [Makes `Yikes!' face.]
Social Climber: [Laughs.] "What, is it poisoned or
something?" [Drinks.]
New Mayor: "Didn't you ever read Hamlet?!"
The fight is back on. Inspector of Motor Vehicles is
clearly the better swordsman. (He's Jean-Claude Van Damme for
Pete's sake.) Door Repair Guy's overalls are being reduced to
shreds.
One Councillor to another: "What does `Labatt Mice' mean?"
Social Climber slumps to the floor.
"Time!" shouts the Director of Parks and Recreation.
Inspector of Motor Vehicles: "It looks like an allergic
reaction."
DRG: "This Slushie's lime. Her whole family's allergic to
lime! Or didn't you know that?"
"Hey! We've only been married a little while."
IMV to DRG: "That Slushie was meant for you."
New Mayor: "You stay out of it!" He wacks him with the weed
wacker: *Bzap*.
DRG: "Impractical Scientist knows an antidote for lime
allergy."
New Mayor: "Well, then, how's this?"
He *Bzap*s her with the weed wacker.
"Not good enough!" DRG assumes a Klingon martial art
posture and advances at the New Mayor, swinging the bat'telh and
sticking out his tongue like a Maori warrior.
New Mayor: "I ain't scared a ya, ya big flake!"
DRG winds up and whips the bat'telh across the council
chamber like a boomerang. The New Mayor makes another `Yikes!'
face and weedwacks himself to get out of the way. The weapon
arcs through the transdimensional *Bzap* effect and lodges in the
back of the mayorial chair.
The Klingon manager comes over.
"bIlegh'a'. SuvlaH tera'nganpu'. 'ach porghDu' yapbe'.
bayjor DaghoS DaneH'a'."]
["See? Humans can fight. However, not enough bodies. Do
you want to go to Bajor?"]
"Yes, but first let me say this . . ."
The manager gestures brusquely to another Klingon who barks
into a communicator. In a second all the Klingons and Door
Repair Guy disappear in a transporter effect.
The City Councillors gather round the Director of Parks and
Recreation and Boyhood Friend.
DPR to BF: "Need a job?"
Boyhood Friend: "Cool!"
[Music. Credits.]
"Did you see that? He tried to kill that guy!"
"It's supposed to be Hamlet. In the real play the stage is
covered with bodies by the end."
"I don't think it's in character."
"I thought you preferred Seinfeld."
"Well, usually I watch Seinfeld and tape Door Repair Guy."
"Oh."
"Maybe they're working up to a big court martial episode."
"Hey! That'd be something! Cool!"
------------
Written by Douglas A. McLeod ai919
------------
Notes on A Wonderful Place To Be In.
Something's rotten in the City of Nepean.
This episode leans heavily on Hamlet, Seinfeld, and James Blish's Cities in Flight. If you take those away there's not much left! The seed was the Bajor/Bayshore pun, which came to me like a bolt from the blue as I was walking along Richmond Road to Bayshore Mall one time, maybe even before I began Door Repair Guy. That was really the point of DRG: to make a place for all those nerdy jokes clogging my brain.
Nepean is the western suburb of Ottawa, except for Kanata which is the far western suburb, and Stittsville which is the far far western suburb. Ottawa is very wide. Prior to 2001 Nepean was a separate city, though part of a regional government. The CHRO studio, with the Bob Couch, was located in a bunker near the intersection of Merivale and Clyde in Nepean. There was an official Nepean song that began, "Nepean, Nepean, it's a wonderful place to be in." Bob performs a parody version of the song in episode 32. I'm not sure why I didn't put Sandra Oh in this episode. She's from Nepean.
ST:TNG Season 4 had a spell where you got to know all the characters' families and home towns. #22 and #38 are the two DRG hometown episodes.
Robertson Davies as Polonius: that's good Shakespeare.
Things that really date this episode: VCRs, the CFL's Southern Division, and purple loosestrife.
The promised court martial episode does not come around until episode 42.