The Annotated Door Repair Guy, episode 30

 

Specs

Last time on Star Trek: Door Repair Guy:

 

     Defiant leaps out of the shot at warp speed leaving Deep

Space Nine behind, afloat against the Bajoran starfield.  Then,

in a wavering, watery effect, the station vanishes.  For a moment

the constellations fill the shot, alone, until a distant point

swells suddenly to a Borg Cube.  [Choral music.]  

     Dax: "We are being pursued."

 

And now this week's pulse-quickening instalment:

 

     Space, the stars streaking past at warp speed.  The Defiant

enters the shot in a three-quarter view, gains on us, and passes

by.  A moment later a Borg Cube appears and likewise expands and

shoots by.

     Cut to the interior of the Defiant.

     Dax, at the Helm: "This ship is fast, but they are gaining."

     Sisko: "Maintain this warp factor.  I don't want to show

them what we can really do in a sprint until we're forced to. 

The longer we keep them focused on catching us the better chance

we have of getting them out of the Bajoran sector entirely."

     Dax: "We're headed in the general direction of Cardassian

space.  Are you planning to cross the border, Benjamin?"

     "Not if I can help it."

     He heads from the command chair to a nagivational station

and pulls up a stellar chart.

     "There are a couple of places on our heading where a small

ship like the Defiant might be able to turn the tables on a

larger one.  I have to think the Borg have never been interested

in purely scientific research.  They've always acquired their

technology by pillaging other cultures.  I want to draw them into

the kind of star system they would not normally have bothered to

visit and turn our curiosity for astrophysical knowledge to our

advantage.  If that doesn't pan out, we'll make a run for the

plasma storms in the Cardassian Badlands."

     He studies the starchart.

     "There it is.  Adjust course bearing 003 mark 4."

     "Course bearing 003 mark 4.  The Borg have altered course

accordingly, and are still gaining on us.  Intercept in thirty-

one minutes at these speeds.  We are now due to pass close by the

Omicron Fraga star system in twelve point five minutes. 

Cartographical records show it to be a quadruple star with highly

irregular gravimetry.  It's surrounded by thousands of broken

planetoids in highly eccentric and unpredictable orbits."  She

turns in his direction.  "Just the place for hide and seek."

     "I hope you've kept your pilot's license up to date. 

Configure sensors for a rapid gravimetric survey.  I want you to

maintain this heading for twelve more minutes, then take her

through the system to the other side.  Once we're sure the Borg

have followed us we'll get in among those planetoids and lay out

a few of those anti-Borg devices we have stacked up in the

armoury."

     Doctor Bashir enters the bridge, walks over to the

navigational station, leans over Sisko's shoulder and begins to

inspect the cartographical display.

     "Strawberries."

     Sisko: "Pardon me?"

     "Fraga is the Latin word for strawberries.  Fraga, fragorum,

fragis.  Second declension plural."

     "Thank you, Doctor."

     He beams.  "Think nothing of it."

 

     A starfield.  We move toward the brightest speck, which

grows in luminescence and resolves into a binary star system as

we approach.  Stellar matter forming a bright burning tail arcs

away from the orbiting yellow star and spirals inward forming a

glowing disk around the intense white dwarf star.  We pass close

by.  Voiceover:

 

     "Crawlspace: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of

the Door Repair Guy.  His mission: to install and maintain

proximity-activated entranceways, to stake out new rooms and new

service conduits -- to boldly go where no one with a pass key has

gone before."

 

     We approach a planetary system.  The great bulk of a gaseous

giant fills the upper half of the screen.  A jagged asteroid

rolls by, revealing the words:

 

               Star Trek: Door Repair Guy

 

     A tiny companion moon tumbles after, revealing the word:

 

                         Starring

 

     We close in on a planetoid, and as the mottled surface

speeds across the screen we read:

 

                    Door Repair Guy as

                         Himself

 

                    Avery Brooks as

                    Commander Benjamin Sisko

 

                    Rene Auberjonois as

                         Odo

 

                    Siddig El Fadil as

                    Doctor Julian Bashir

 

                    Terry Farrell as

                    Lieutenant Jadzia Dax

 

                    Cirroc Lofton as

                         Jake Sisko

 

                    Colm Meany as

                    Chief Miles Edward O'Brien

 

                    Armin Shimmerman as

                         Quark

 

                    Nana Visitor as

                    Major Kira Nerys

 

     We pull up the nose just before impact, clip a power pole,

flip over and crash. 

 

[Commercial:

     Beer is filling a glass, roiling and swirling in a nut-brown

undertow and back-eddy.  The camera coasts up the side of the

beer glass, following the upcurrent of bubbles and meeting the

overflow of foam, then pulls back to take in the whole glass from

the beer-wet bartop to the furiously steaming head.  A hand

plonks the bottle down beside the glass.

     Labatt Dry Ice.]

 

     Underbelly view as Defiant warps by overhead and dwindles

into the distance.  A moment later the Borg ship swooshes past

and warps after in pursuit.

     Cut to cramped crew quarters on the Defiant.  Not Fragile,

his lovely assistant Madeline, and the uncertain technician are

seated on the floor, one in each corner.  Door Repair Guy is

spread out on one of the bunks.

     DRG: "So what's the best part of being a Borg?"

     Not Fragile: "Assimilating people.  Hands down.  There

really is nothing quite as satisfying as taking a member of a new

species and figuring out which parts will fit."

     "So each new species gets a different makeover?"

     "Each person.  Have you ever seen two identical Borg?"

     "Now that you mention it, I haven't.  I always assumed they

were all the same."

     "Yet Madeline and I are quite different."

     "Damn right we are."

     "So how come you all act the same?"

     "The Borg in the Borg ship may all contribute to the same

cause, but they each contribute special qualities.  They are not

totally interchangeable.  It would be a poor choir that had but

one voice.  We Borg are as various as any group -- do not forget

that we are an amalgam of thousands of races --  which in the end

is what makes us susceptible to the individuating virus.  We

would not become individuals if that possibility did not already

exist within us."

     "Cool.  Still, it would be kinda neat to be on the inside,

you know?  To see what it's really like to be part of a crowd

like that."

     "You may yet get your wish."

     The door opens and Dr Bashir enters with a carrier bag slung

over his shoulder.

     The confused technician sits up.  "Doctor, doctor, I have a

question!"

     "Yes?"

     "A 'bum knee': is it a bum or a knee?"

     Madeline snorts.

     "And 'tennis elbow': is it some kind of recreational

implant?  And what about 'fingernails'?  Isn't there a better way

to attach fingers?"

     Not Fragile: "You must excuse him, Doctor.  He's young."

     "It's quite all right.  I trust he's not performing any

procedures?"

     Madeline: "Not any more, he's not!"

     Not Fragile studiously ignores her, but a servomechanism on

his left temple agitates three or four times with a small

whirring sound.

     Bashir: "I actually came to ask you about the subspace

connection the Borg vessel is using to track you.  I thought that

kind of link was dangerous to them."

     Not Fragile perks up.  "They may have developed some kind of

filtering switch or message sterilization protocol, allowing our

subspace communications to act as a beacon without exposing them

to the dangerous contents."

     Bashir: "But then why not just install the switch on all

uncontaminated Borg ships?  That way they could just ignore you."

     Not Fragile: "But you don't understand!  It's a case of

political repression!  They want to stamp out the heretical

Yellow philosophy!"

     Bashir: "Yellow philosophy?"

     Madeline: "Here we go."

     Not Fragile: "The Yellow Party stands for the gradual

assimilation of all humanoids through free market economics and

elective surgery.  I am the President and Treasurer of the Yellow

Party, and as such a prime target.  The Borg Collective would go

to any length to purge the Yellow Party from the galaxy,

including assassination!"

     Bashir: "So you're telling me the Borg are after us to rid

the galaxy of your political party?  How many members have you?"

     DRG holds up one hand as a shield so that the doctor can see

but Not Fragile can't, and then uncurls one finger.

     Not Fragile: "I consider all the persons in this room to be

loyal followers."

     Bashir: "So you're not certain whether the Borg are

receiving the contents of your thoughts or not?"

     "I am convinced that they are!  Why else pursue us with such

tenacity and hatred?"

     "If you're right, and the Borg vessel is in contact with

your thoughts, it can only be a matter of time before they become

contaminated with the individuating virus."

     "This is what I'm telling you!  The Collective has sent this

ship on a suicide mission to destroy us!"

     "Hm.  Then all we have to do is keep out of their range

until the virus takes effect.  How long did it take your old ship

to become disabled?"

     "About a week and a half."

     He lurches.  The Defiant banks.

     "We're entering the Omicron Fraga system.  Perhaps we can

speed the work of the individuating virus."  He reaches into the

carrier bag.  "I want you to read these."  He hands paperbacks to

the three Cauda Lineans.

     "Nietzsche?"

     "Sartre?"

     "Camus?"

     "Got any Stephen King?"

     Bashir shoots an annoyed look at DRG.  The ship rocks again.

     *Sisko to Bashir.  Report to the bridge.  And bring that

Door Repair Guy with you.*

     "We're on our way."

 

[Commercial: The Mangler]

 

     Bashir and DRG enter the bridge, lurching this way and that.

     Sisko: "Steady as she goes, Dax!"

     "That's easy for you to say, Benjamin!  I've never seen a

more chaotic gravitic environment, let alone piloted it."

     They all lurch to one side, and the lights flicker.

     "Have the Borg followed us in?"

     "Sensors show they are skirting the edge of the system."

     DRG: "Probably waiting to see if we pile up on an asteroid."

     Sisko swings around in his chair.

     "Why did you say that?"

     DRG (suspecting he's in trouble): "I take it back."

     "Sisko to Not Fragile.  Are any of you receiving

communication from the Borg vessel?"

     *We are perceiving distant voices, probably a backwash on

their subspace tracking link.  I heard them wonder when we were

going to pile up on an asteroid.*

     Sisko looks DRG up and down.

     "Just how much Borg inventory are you carrying around?"

     DRG shuffles his feet.

     "I have not brought my specs with me."

     Bashir: "From my observations of this man's case history and

my interactions with the Cauda Lineans, I'd estimate he has about

15% of the Borg norm."

     "Could he integrate himself into a Borg crew?"

     "I don't think so."

     "I don't have the wrist interface coupling."

     "Could Not Fragile install one now?"

     "I'd have to see.  Maybe."

     "Go see.  Dax, is the gravimetric survey complete?"

     "Complete enough.  The gravitic tides in this system are in

a state of constant flux, but some patterns can be made out."

     "Can you suggest a good defensive position?"

     "There are a number of points in the stellar rotation where

planetary material tends to gather.  A Lagrange cluster of sorts

is due to exist ahead of Omicron Fraga 2 and Omicron Fraga 3 for

the next four point two hours, until Omicron Fraga 1 emerges from

behind Omicron Fraga 2 and disperses it."

     "Plot a course using the suns to blind the Borg sensors."

     She checks her console.

     "The best course is between the stars."

     "Will the shields stand up?"

     "Yes. I'm just worried about solar flares.  The yellow and

orange giants exchange quite a lot of stellar matter."

     "If a flare appears, fly under it."

     "That's against Starfleet regulations."

     "Yes, I know, but everybody does it."

     "Changing course now."

     Defiant turns and accelerates toward the multihued clutch of

turning suns.

 

[Commercial: Kate Mulgrew for Reduced Fat Skippy Peanut Butter]

 

     View of the four stars of Omicron Fraga in rotation around

one another.  They are: Omicron Fraga 1, an orange giant; Omicron

Fraga 2, a yellow giant with a severe case of sunspots; Omicron

Fraga 3, a red giant in the shape of an Italian tomato; and

Omicron Fraga 4, an intense little blue star weaving around the

other three like a ballpoint in a spirograph.

     Defiant shoots past, heading for the space between the suns.

     Dax: "Twelve seconds to stellar interjacence."

     Shot of the Defiant in stellar interjacence.  The lower

right portion of the screen contains the limb of the yellow star,

the upper right the orange, with the red moving out across the

gap as it slides from behind the orange.  The bright little blue

can be seen in the gap, moving toward the red.  Defiant is a

little speck curving between all this.

     The bridge shakes.

     Sisko: "Report!"

     Dax: "Hull temperature rising!  Impulse engines at seventy

percent efficiency!  This entire area exhibits a shared solar

atmosphere, Benjamin!  I know some astrophysicists who'd be green

with envy!  Dr Nystad has written a fascinating series of papers

comparing the space between closely orbiting stars to the

contiguous topography of the galatic core!  This is the perfect

environment to test his conclusions!  The convection currents

alone . . .  Oh-oh!  Sensors showing an x-ray storm!  Evasive!" 

Everyone's bone structure stands out for a moment.  "Who-o-o-o-a! 

Back on course!  But from a pilot's point of view it's almost

like driving in sand!  Look out!  An asteroid!  My God, it's on

fire!  I have to get a picture.  Diverting replicator energy to

sensors!"

     Cut to Door Repair Guy at replicator, jabbing at the

control:

     "What the . . . !"

     Back to the bridge.

     "Wow, that'll look great on the cover of _Scientific

Tellurian_!  A flare!  Oh!  Full impulse!  Another one!  Yikes! 

Whew!  Decelerated just in time!  Compensating for lateral drift! 

We're nearly clear!  Wait!  I have a problem!  We're losing

headway!  Impulse engines at forty percent!  We're climbing up a

very steep gravitic slope!  There's a lot of mass behind us! 

We're in danger of falling back in!"

     Sisko: "Put her into first."

     She enters the commands.  The vessel shudders, then begins

to gather way.

     "We're clear!"

     "Get to that Lagrange point.  Shields at maximum.  Jockey us

in among those boulders.  Here's your ponytail holder."

     She holds her hand back over her shoulder and takes it, then

wipes the damp strands of hair from her face with the back of her

hand and blows the sweat off the end of her nose.

 

[Commercial: Nordic Track]

 

     Shot of Defiant with shields at maximum pushing through the

rubble of the Lagrange point.

     Sisko: "Reading any large masses?"

     Dax: "Coming up on one.  We'll see it as soon as we get

through this gravel.  There it is."

     An asteroid emerges from the debris.  Its surface is covered

with deep rifts, a testimonial to the stresses of its daily

existence.

     "Back us into that crevasse.  Shut down unnecessary

systems."

     View of Defiant turning and backing into the crevasse like a

crab.

     "Do you have a reading on the Borg vessel?"

     "Still orbiting the system."

     "Set the sensors to initiate Red Alert as soon as the Borg

move in, and follow me to the armoury."

     They head out.

     Cut to the cramped crew quarters.  The door swooshes open

and Sisko looks in.

     "We're on the way to the armoury.  Where's that Door Repair

Guy?"

     Dr Bashir: "He went looking for a Jolt Cola."

     "Was the implant operation a success?"

     Not Fragile: "Impossible to tell.  I was forced to improvise

a coupling from materials found in a toolbox.  I did my best."

     Door Repair Guy, coming up: "All the replicators are down. 

Hey, what's up with you three?"

     Madeline (reads): "'Insanity in individuals is something

rare -- but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the

rule.'  Told you."

     Not Fragile: "Hmph.  'My original fall is the existence of

others.'"

     Madeline: "'What?  A great man?  I always see merely the

play-actor of his own ideal.'"

     Uncertain technician: "'If there is an absurd, it is in

man's universe.'"

     Sisko: "Keep your anti-depressants close at hand, Doctor. 

You come with me."  He grabs DRG by the collar and heads off.

 

[Bob:

     "Okay!  Back to the Door Repair Guy in a moment, so just

enough time for some calls on the three-line phone and yep we've

got callers so he-e-e-ello, you're on the Couch!"

     *"SanwIj yIqaD" yIreH!*  ["Play 'Take a Chance on Me'!"]

     Bob makes his thinking-of-the-right-answer face.

     "Qo'!  [No!]  Next caller!"

     *"Sov'a' SoSra'" yIreH!*  ["Play 'Does Your Mother Know?'!"]

     "Qo'!"  ["I won't!"]  Boy, those Klingons love their Abba. 

Caller three!"

     *"neH'a' SoH" yIreH!*  ["Play 'Voulez Vous'!"]

     "Qo'!"  ["I refuse!"]

     He sits back and lights up a smoke.

     "I haven't done that in a long time."]

 

[Commercial: 54 Rock]

 

     Quark's.  Odo and Kira enter.

     Odo: "What is it this time, Quark?"

     Quark: "Major, are you familiar with the business axiom,

'Location, location, location'?"

     Kira: "I've heard it."

     "Under the present circumstances it leads one to the next

thought, 'What good is a location if your customers can't locate

it?'"

     "You are referring to the cloaking device?"

     "Yes I am."  

     "Well, you can rest assured we are going to keep the station

cloaked and under communication blackout until Commander Sisko

advises us otherwise."

     O'Brien, from the bar: "Besides . . ."

     They all turn in his direction.

     "We haven't figured out how to turn it off."

     Quark: "Then why aren't you working on it?"

     "I just came off a ten-hour shift with a Romulan up my nose

every five minutes!  I'm entitled to a pint!"

     Jake looks in.

     "Any lines?"

     "Not today."

     "Okay!  See ya!"

 

[Commercial: LeVar Burton for Intel Pentium Chip]

 

     The armoury.  On one side are racks of shiny black photon

torpedo casings.  On the other are lockers labelled with serial

numbers and acronyms.  Sisko, Dax and Door Repair Guy enter.

     Sisko: "Now, let's see what new anti-Borg devices Starfleet

Command has come up with.  Computer.  Display inventory. 

Authorization Sisko SLG601."

     The computer screen brings up a menu.  He reads it.

     DRG: "You don't really have a slugging average of .601."

     "No.  That would make the authorization code too easy to

crack.  I'm .423 lifetime."

     "You must've had a great rookie season, that's all I can

say."

     Sisko (ignoring him): "What's this?"

     He puts his finger on an item and searches the wall for the

corresponding serial number.  He finds the locker and opens it,

then pulls out a cylindrical device marked APIS MELLIFERA

SCUTELLATA CORE.  He taps his commbadge.

     "Sisko to Bashir.  Doctor, you know Latin.  Do the words

apis mellifera scutellata mean anything to you?"

     *Honey bees of some kind.*

     DRG: "Killer bees!"

     Dax: "There's a manual."

     Sisko's hands are full so he motions with his head to DRG

who reaches in and passes the manual to Dax.  Dax flips through

the index, then thumbs her way to the heart of the manual.

     "Okay.  According to these specs the purpose of this device

is to release hundreds of killer bees into the Borg vessel."

     Sisko holds the cylinder to his ear.

     "It is buzzing.  What do we do?"

     Dax: "Lock the AMS Core into a photon torpedo casing.  Fire

a regular torpedo at the Borg vessel to create a breach, then

follow with the AMS torpedo before the damaged area has time to

regenerate.  The bees will be released into the Borg vessel in a

highly agitated state."

     DRG: "It's so crazy it might just work!"

     Sisko: "Then how come you don't very often?"

     Red Alert sounds!

     "Damn!  They're moving in!  Dax, get this weapon armed and

loaded.  You!  You've been on a Borg ship before?"

     DRG: "Yeah.  Lotsa times."

     "Is that interface ready to go?"

     DRG holds up his hand.  Colour-coded electrical wiring pokes

out of his sleeve.

     "Get your toolbox.  When I give the signal I want you to use

your personal transporter to cross over to the Borg ship. 

Interface with it if you can.  Cause as much disruption as you

can manage.  God knows you're good enough at it on Deep Space

Nine.  Once the destruction of the Cube is underway we'll beam

you out."

     "What if it goes the other way and the Borg win?"

     "Then at least you'll know where your next meal is coming

from."

     He leaves.  DRG turns his wrist over and over with a

thougthful look on his face.

 

     The bridge.  The Defiant shakes.  Sisko staggers in and

climbs into the command chair.  Dax follows moments later and

relieves the nameless faceless ensign at the Helm.

     "Status report!"

     "The Borg are at the periphery of the debris field.  They

are directing a cutting beam at this asteroid.  They're carving

it up."

     "Bring us out of the field using the asteroid for cover. 

Then reverse course and execute attack pattern Alpha Shortstop

Ozzie Smith.  Fire photon spread followed by AMS torpedo.  Then

Warp 9.9 for the Badlands.  Go!"

     Shot of Defiant emerging from its crevasse just as the

cutting beam bursts through the asteroid.  Viewscreen point of

view as the ship pushes through the orbiting gravel into the

clear starlight.  Defiant accelerates, then reverses, comes

around the debris field, and fires torpedoes into the immobile

Borg Cube.

     "Door Repair, that's your signal!"

     DRG makes a face suggesting this'll be more trouble than

it's worth, picks up his toolbox, and activates his personal

transporter.

     Defiant rounds the Cube and bursts off into warp.  A moment

later the Cube jumps into pursuit.

     A terrace deep within the Borg Cube.  The scene rocks with

the detonation of the photon torpedoes.  A green transporter

effect appears and becomes Door Repair Guy.  Two Borg turn their

heads and glare angrily.

     First Borg: "Six trillion citizens and they send Door Repair

Guy."

     Second Borg: "This situation is screwing up worse and

worse."

     They step out of their bays and advance on DRG, grab him by

the arms, and push him into an empty bay.

     First Borg: "Interface!"

     Second Borg: "Hurry up!"

     DRG: "Ah.  Oh.  Hang on a minute.  I need a screwdriver."

     Shot of DRG's face as he screws himself in, trying to look

in control of things and not really managing.

     "So how come you guys know my name?"

     The two Borg exchange impatient glances and one of them

sticks out his tongue.  On the top of the tongue is the tab of

the end of a roll of ticker tape.  He pulls the tab and unwinds

about a foot and a half of tape with lettering on it.  The Borg

tears it off and holds it up in front of DRG's eyes.  It says:

 

                    FIND OUT NEXT WEEK

 

------------

Written by Douglas A. McLeod, [email protected]

------------

 

Notes on Specs.

The Omicron Fraga star system is the best thing about this episode.

Interjacence. Sometimes you think a word ought to exist, so you use it, and later on find out that it does exist and means pretty nearly what you thought it did. Anyway, interjacence is the state of being in the middle of.

Italian tomato:

 

Comments

[plumbing]

Doors are always considered as a significant part of our house and always keep things secure and safe. Proper testing, installation, maintenance and operation of the door and the automatic opener are really necessary to ensure the trouble-free and safe operation.

[Douglas]

That is so true!