Plenty of Nothing

Wonderful Hell, Part 9 of 12

    It’s an off night for the SLHL.  Jacinthe and Josey go for a midnight walk.  Snow has been coming down since about ten and has left a two-inch layer of white fluff on the hardpack.  It twinkles down around them.  They had come out to talk about their situation in the privacy of the empty streets, but so far they haven’t said anything.  They walk along in parallel tracks, stealing looks at one another.  At some point they take each other’s hand, but between Josey’s Mt Everest mitts and Jacinthe’s blobby thrummed mittens it doesn’t work so well.  Then Jacinthe makes a misstep, putting her right foot to the left of her left, she bumps into Josey’s side and deflects off, Josey catches her sleeve, swings her back, and the two collide face to face and kiss.  It’s a long deep soft kiss.  Their jaws work.  Jacinthe grasps Josey’s sleeves, then slides a hand up to the back of Josey’s head to tilt it further down into the kiss.  They break, panting.

    Jacinthe: “That beats grade nine.”

    “Make love to me,” says Josey.

    “Yeah!” They hurry back to Josey’s room, lock the door, peal off their clothes and plunge into the bed.

    The next morning Jacinthe is padding down the hall from the bathroom.  She takes out her room key and is ready to turn the lock when somebody laughs and says, “You’re going into the wrong room.”

    Jacinthe, who admittedly has her mind elsewhere, looks around, looks at the room number, and says, “This is my room.”

    “Yeah,” says the neighbour, “I know.”

    Jacinthe closes the door and wonders, ‘How noisy were we?’

    Game Six is not long under way when both benches notice a change in Josey.  She’s not finishing her checks or fulfilling any of her defensive responsibilities. She’s hanging around the neutral zone waiting to cherry-pick a breakout pass.  She’s turning over the puck at an alarming rate.

    Hanne to Sanna: “She’s got her head in the clouds tonight.  Next rush I’ll put it to you through her feet.”

    Kaitlyn: “Josey Wood seems to be having difficulty keeping her mind on the play.  What’s up with that, Jacinthe?”

    Jacinthe: “I dunno.”

    Emily comes off her shift, unstraps her helmet, wipes the sweat from her face, and complains: “What is this shit?  I don’t know what the fuck’s up with her.  She’s in La La Land.  We have to bench her.”

    Irene: “How do you bench the player-coach?”

    Louise: “Josey!  Woody!!  Get off!”

    Henrietta laughs.  “I’d say her getting off is the source of the problem.”

    Several of the Hunton Harriers frown at that, and when Josey does come off they make sure she hears about it, but she just shrugs and grins insouciantly.

    Each languid shift by Josey makes Emily’s next more intense, until the second-line centre is tearing around the rink hitting everything in sight.  Her penalty minutes mount.  The fourth time she’s sent off, Josey leans over and yells, “What the fuck is up with you?”

    Emily: “What the fuck is up with you!”

    Luohi win 4 to 0.  It’s their second shutout in a row.  At the final whistle Emily throws her stick and helmet into the snow.

    The Finns provide carpooling after each game.

    Josey and Jacinthe and Josey’s hockey bag all pile into the back seat and immediately the two lovers slide their hands inside each other’s clothes.  The players in the second-last row roll their eyes and do what they can to shield them from view.

    Sanna climbs into the driver’s seat and says, “Everybody buckled in?  You two back there?”

    Josey: “Uh huh!”

    “Jacinthe?”

    “Um.  Uhn!  Yes!”

    “Good!”

    They start off.

    “I am very impressed with you girls,“ says Sanna, driving.

    Laura: “Thanks.  But you guys kicked our butt tonight.”

    “No, no,” laughs Sanna. “I mean the way you’ve dedicated yourselves.”

    “Well, we like hockey.”

    “You’re so modest.  But I’m referring to spinsterhood.”

    “Huh?”  This from the passengers in the second-last row.

    “Team Isobel.  Like the song by Björk.  You know.”  She sings:

    
                    My name Isobel 

                    Married to myself. 

                    My love Isobel 

                    Living by herself.”

    She radiates goodwill at them by way of the rear view mirror.  “I take it that each one of you is more or less devoted to a life of chastity.”

    Lindsay, a political science major, peers into the back seat, scratches her head thoughtfully and says, “I guess that depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.”

    ‘Cause Josey and Jacinthe are getting’ up to stuff.  No, you don’t need it laid out for you!  Just jump ahead to where the van pulls in.  They’re hurriedly hauling up their pants when they both suddenly reach to the floor for Josey’s tumbled-off hunting cap.  Their foreheads crack together.  They slump to opposite ends of the seat, going “Ow, ow, ow,” and look at each other with tear-filled eyes.  Years later, in her novel Silver Lake, Jacinthe gives a great amount of weight to this.

Unarigoe, Chapter 4, Page 1

Livingston In the Material World

Mugging in the material world.

Morton visit Livingston this afternoon for their final meeting of this cycle of rebirth known is the 2011-2012 SFL First Division season.

2011-12 has been a qualified bust for Greenock Morton. For several weeks in September the Ton led the league, though by the end of that month it was with a negative goal difference, inspiring a question at the Guardian's football trivia column The Knowledge. Since then they've settled to seventh place. How does this compare to previous years? Since rejoining the First Division Morton have ended the season: 8th with 37 points and a minus 18 goal difference (2007-08); 6th with 47 points and a 0 GD (2008-09); 8th with 37 points and a minus 25 GD (2009-10); and 7th with 43 points and a minus 4 GD (2010-11). Sixth to eighth in the First Division is a pretty small target to hit year after year. Sooner or later the club has to improve or be relegated.

One scenario spinning out of the trainwreck at Ibrox has Rangers accepting relegation to the Third Division and two First Division clubs moving up to the SPL: Ross County plus most likely Dundee.

Morton's exit from administration in 2001 without a points deduction is being held up by Rangers fans as an example of SFA favouritism.

Last night UCD entertained Drogheda United. They played to a 1 - 1 draw.

Altrincham host Gainsborough Trinity today in English sixth tier action. [Gainsborough win 3 - 2.]

Montreal Impact play the Portland Timbers at Stade Olympique. [Montreal win 2 - 0!]

Pohang Steelers visit Daegu FC at the Blue Arc. Daegu have three Brazilians: Leandrinho, Matheus and Dinélson. What is your Brazilian football name?  [Daegu 1 - 0 Pohang.]

Yesterday Mito HollyHock visited Shonan Bellmare. If I owned that team they'd be called Shonan Jump. Mito won 2 - 1.

Quick, think of a Japanese footballer who has played in Scotland. Shunsuke Nakamura played for Celtic for four seasons and was voted Scottish Footballer of the Year for 2006/07, though he is on record as saying he would have voted for Alan Hutton. Nakamura now plays for Yokohama F. Marinos. Here's an interview.

Think of a Scot who has played in Japan. Alan Irvine, whose career spanned the years 1980 to 1995, played the 1989/90 season for Mazda, the club now called Sanfrecce Hiroshima. Scott McGarvey played for Mazda as well from 1990 to 1992. Steve Paterson was the first European to play in Japan, joining Yomiuri FC in 1983. They are now Tokyo Verdy. And Steven Tweed played for Yokohama FC from 2004 to 2006.

Is there a Scot playing in the J-League this year? No. Which countries are the most popular sources for foreign players in Japanese pro football right now? 1) Brazil. There are about thirty Brazilians in J1. 2) South Korea. About twenty. 3) North Korea. The Brazilians were born in Brazil and the South Koreans in South Korea, but the North Koreans were all born and raised in Japan of Korean refugee parents, and play for North Korea internationally, in what must be one of the only examples of co-operation between Japan and North Korea. In J1 there's Kim Song-Gi, who plays for Cerezo Osaka; Hwang Song-Su, for Júbilo Iwata; An Yong-Hak, for Kashiwa Reysol; Kim Myung-Hwi for Sagan Tosu; Kang Song-Ho for Shimizu S-Pulse; and Ryang Yong-Gi for Vegalta Sendai.

[Livingston nil, Greenock Morton nil. Morton evade relegation. They will finish seventh or eighth, depending on the final score against Raith Rovers next Saturday. Queen of the South are relegated. Ayr can avoid finishing ninth only if they make up a 17 goal deficit next weekend. Dunfermline win, and are not relegated from the SPL yet.]

The Annotated Door Repair Guy, episode 38

 

Mulch Ado About Nothing

     A pastoral scene.  A grassy meadow slopes down toward a

meandering tree-lined stream.  Birds twirl and dart in the gentle

breeze.  Partway up the slope a woman is beating a man with the

root end of a large weed.

     "Ow!  Hey!  Ow!"

     Official Botanist throws the plant aside, shakes her fist

under Door Repair Guy's nose, then takes off down the slope and

into the trees.

     He stands and begins to finger-comb the dirt out of his

hair.

     "Crazy botanists.  I gotta get some survival tips from Chief

O'Brien."

     He picks up his baseball cap and has a look at it. 

     "About due for a fresh uniform, I'd say."

     Then he notices the colour of the hand holding the hat.

     "Yikes!  What happened to you?  Gamma particle radiation?"

     He catches a scent, then holds his wrist under his nose.

     "Sauerbraten?"

     He blinks, then starts off down the hill.

 

     Music: recorder and viol.

     The Goddess Fortuna turns her wheel, the winds of Time

blowing her loose tresses and rippling robes.  The scene whites

out and is replaced by the motto:

 

       }+{----------------------------------------------}+{

      ) | Crawlspace: the Final frontier.  These are the | (

     )  | voyages  of the Door Repair Guy.  His mission: |  (

   [==  | to  install  &  maintain  proximitie-activated |  ==]   

   [==  | Entranceways,  to Stake out  new rooms  &  new |  ==]

     )  | service conduits -- to Boldly  go where No one |  (

      ) | with a Pass key has gone before.    &&&&&&&    | (

       }+{----------------------------------------------}+{

 

     The motto fades to a scene of the Muses moving through a

courtly dance.  Each one carries an emblem representing one of

the planets.  We recognize the sceptre of Jupiter, the mirror of

Venus, the bat'telh of Qo'noS.  In the corner a putti holds up a

shield emblazoned with the words:

 

                    Star Trek: Door Repair Guy 

 

     A page steps forward, unfurls a banner over his arm and

draws it toward him so that the embroidered words scroll upward. 

 

                         Starring

 

                    Door Repair Guy as

                         Himself

 

 

                         Also Starring

 

                    Joe Pesci as

                         The New Mayor

 

                    Faye Dunaway as

                         Social Climber

 

                    Christopher Lloyd as

                         Impractical Scientist

 

                    Amanda Plummer as

                         Official Botanist

 

                    Robertson Davies as

                         Pompous City Councillor

 

                    Harold Pinter as

                         Himself

 

                    Jimmy Smits as

                         Good Cop

 

                    Dennis Franz as

                         Bad Cop

 

     A boy wearing Tudor costume raises a globe above his head

and a girl in ruffles and a lace cap lifts up a model of the USS

Jenolen, produces a long dive-bomber sound and smashes it into

it.

 

[Commercial:

     Caption: "1734.  Somewhere in Canada."

     Two men are paddling a birchbark canoe along a lake.  We

hear a mosquito's buzz.

     "Such wilderness, William."

     "Today, yes, Jacques.  But someday, someday it will be a

great country."

     Jacques swipes at the mosquito.  "You think so, eh?"

     "Absolutely.  You see, they shall perfect a game called

hockey, invent the telephone, save England and France -- twice --

and make one incredibly good beer, a true Canadian dark ale."

     Buzz!  Jacques smacks himself in the face.  "Mudder of God!"

     "Yes, that's it!"

     Guitar riff.  Labatt Genuine Mud.]

 

     DRG stumbles through the brook, climbs up the far shore and

stops.  In the sylvan glade ahead of him stands a small cluster

of thatched cottages.  Villagers in homemade clothes are already

putting aside their farm implements and shading their eyes in his

direction.  Someone points.  Two kids come tearing out along a

narrow dirt path toward him.

     Boy: "Hey!  Hey!"

     Girl: "Oh!  Hey!  Oh!"

     They come to a screeching halt and stare up at him, each

with one eye screwed shut in the sun.

     DRG: "Is this Nepean 6?"

     Boy: "Yeah!"

     DRG: "How'd you two get here?"

     Girl: "Same as you!  Playin' with the weed wacker!"

     DRG: "Well, just stay away from the automated spike harrow,

will yeh?"

     Both: "Aw!"

     Cut to Pompous City Councillor hurrying Impractical

Scientist through the village square.  They round a corner.

     Impractical Scientist, taking off his straw hat:

     "By Apollo, lord of the measuring rule!"

     He dashes toward Door Repair Guy and catches him in a bone-

crunching bearhug.

     DRG: "Ow!  Okay!  Uncle!"

     Impractical Scientist lets go suddenly and DRG's arse

impacts the earth.

     "I'll thank you to call me Father from now on!"

     "Yeah.  Okay.  I know.  I get it."

     He picks himself up.  Most of the village is now gathered

round and clammering for news of the other dimension. 

Impractical Scientist is too pleased to stay mad for long and is

soon waving his arms for quiet.

     DRG is saying: ". . . and so the Cardassians and the

Bajorans signed this peace treaty, and then Kai Winn took control

of the Provisional Government and . . ."

     Pompous City Councillor: "Yes. yes.  This is all very well

and good.  But who is Mayor in Nepean?"

     "Boyhood Friend is."

     The bearded councillor puts a hand over his heart and begins

to stagger backwards.

     Impractical Scientist: "Has he taken the transdimensional

weed-wacker out of the Parks and Recreation Department

inventory?"

     "Banned them totally.  Well, okay, he gave me one."

     "And that's how you got here!"

     DRG thinks.  "I guess.  I don't remember."

     There's a jostle in the crowd and Social Climber breaks

through, followed by a now demure and observant Official

Botanist. 

     "Goodness gracious, will you look at--"

     Social Climber's eyes fall on his Bajoran ear-ring.

     "Oh God, Bratty!  Don't tell me you're gay!"

     "Mom."

     Official Botanist: "Poor men."  She tiptoes out from behind

his mother and smiles up at him blandly.

     DRG lifts his baseball cap, scratches more earth out of his

scalp, and looks around at the vegetation crowding in on the

village.  "I gotta say, there's plenty of work in these parts for

a good plant expert.  Think you'll ever find one?"

     Official Botanist: "I'd say I'm quite qualified after all

those many dates I spent watching you go into a vegetative state

in front of the game."

     The crowd exchange significant looks and move back to give

them more room.

     DRG: "I think you must of been watching university of the

nose in the air."

     Official Botanist: "Ha.  You confuse the morning with the

night."

     DRG: "Ha.  Nightfall is the lover's morning.  Most notorious

lovers sleep in late."

     Official Botanist: "Most notorious beer-drinkers as well."

     DRG: "Could it simply be that I was drunk with love?"

     Official Botanist: "Could it simply be that you were in love

with being drunk?"

     DRG: "You seem to have forgotten that the weekend is for

fun."

     Official Botanist: "Well, now I know why they call it the

weak end."

     Pompous City Councillor to Impractical Scientist: "Oh, dear. 

They're not going to start rapping, are they?"

     "No, they really like each other.  Can't you tell?  Okay,

kids!  Enough fun for now!  You'll have plenty of time to diss

later.  Right now I want to talk to the lad about some

inventions."

     That scatters the villagers.

     DRG: "Have you been working on the weed wacker?"

     Impractical Scientist: "Well, off and on.  To tell you the

truth there's nobody that interested in getting back.  Well,

except your uncle.  And Harold Pinter.  He didn't even write

_Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead_ you know."

     "Who was it?"

     "Tom Stoppard."

     "I always get those two guys mixed up."

     "Come on and I'll show you a fully-automated methane-powered

spike harrow I just completed."

     "Cool!"

     They head off through the village. 

 

[Commercial:

     "How many times has this happened to you?  You slave all

morning on an Italian Renaissance portrait and it comes out

looking like something the cat brought in.  What a mess!  Isn't

there anything an art forger can do?  Well, now there is!  Say so

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anything be this easy?  Wait.  European art expert sniffing

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Easy to assemble, Titian Magician is a snap to take apart!  Run

Titian Magician under the tap -- it practically cleans itself! 

Titian Magician will not stain clothing or upholstery.  Throw out

those hazardous brushes and pallet!  Say goodbye to all those

expensive, hard to remember toothpaste tubes of paint.  And say

hello to Titian Magician!  It's only [voiceover: $99.95! 

Canadian fifty dollar bills not accepted.]  But wait, there's

more!  Order today and receive Klee-O-matic at no extra charge. 

That's Titian Magician, complete with fifteen pre-measured colour

capsules, and Klee-O-matic, all for the low, low price of

[voiceover: $99.95].  Operators are waiting.  Dial 1-800 RED-

HAIR!  That's 1-800 RED-HAIR!"]

 

     A log cabin in the woods.  Cut to the interior.  The style

is early Grizzly Adams.

     Uncle Paving Contractor sits behind his new maple desk,

running his hands over the smooth surface.  Rosencrantz and

Guildenstern stand attentively in the corner, nervously awaiting

his verdict.

     "I once had a desk like this in my chambers.  When I had

chambers.  When there *were* chambers."

     He makes a fist.  Close-up of the fist as he brings it down

on the surface.  He's wearing a pinky ring.

     Rosencrantz: "He dented it."

     Guildenstern: "We French-waxed that for . . . how long?"

     Rosencrantz: "I forget."

     Paving Contractor stares out the window, deep in memory,

then comes back to the present and turns toward the two.

     "Nice work, guys.  But I ain't buyin'.  It's got a nick."

     He points to the newly-made depression with his pointing

finger (in his case not the one closest the thumb).

     Rosencrantz: "You made it."

     Paving Contractor blinks.  "Whaddya mean 'You made it'? 

You're the furniture guys.  You made it."

     Guildenstern: "Yes, of course, we made it.  But you made 

. . . it."

     "It?"

     "Yes, you made *it*."

     "I don't follow you."

     Rosencrantz: "Actually, we follow you."

     Paving Contractor: "What is this?  Are you messin' with me? 

Don't mess with me."

     They look nervously at one another.

     Guildenstern tries another tack.  "Imagine an ideal table. 

A table as it exists, as it were, in the mind of God."

     Rosencrantz (left behind): "A holy table?"

     Paving Contractor looks from one to the other.

     Paving Contractor: "A holy table?"

     Guildenstern (pauses): "You could put it that way."

     "I don't want no holy table.  It's the hole in the table

right here which I'm talkin about."

     He points again.

     Guildenstern: "I'm referring to the ideal plane."

     Paving Contractor: "And I'm referring to the ideal plane. 

Get this desk outta here and don't bring it back til you get this

dent out with the ideal plane, or whatever.  I don't need this

shit."

     Rosencrantz: "Yes, that's what we mean."

     "What is?"

     Rosencrantz points to the dent with his middle finger.

     Paving Contractor looks at the digit, grabs a baseball bat

(an earlier Rosencrantz and Guildenstern commission), and comes

around the desk after them.  They run for it.

     "You're no Joe l'Erario!"

     Harold Pinter enters.

     Paving Contractor: "The caretaker.  About time.  Where you

bin hidin out all day?  Look at that roof."

     "There's a new arrival in the town.  Door Repair Guy."

     Paving Contractor: "Door Repair Guy?  Door Repair Guy?"

     He stares out the window with wild eyes.

     "Door Repair Guy!"

     Harold Pinter: "I've never met Door Repair Guy."

     "Huh?  How do you think you got here?"

     "I put it down to a continuity problem."

     "Door Repair Guy!  I never thought to see his face again." 

He gestures around the room.  "What you see here is all that

remains of a promising mayoral career on Nepean 5.  On Nepean 5,

twelve months ago, I was a prince with power over thousands. 

Now, because of Door Repair Guy, you see me bereft of everything,

including my beloved wife."

     "She lives in the town."

     "With my brother!"

     "Her first husband."

     "That good-for-nothing, and his no-good son.  Door Repair

Guy.  He threw a bat'telh at me.  I got witnesses."

     "Why don't you take it easy?"

     "Take it easy?  Take it easy?  He tasks me, and I shall have

him, the little schmuck!  C'mon!"

     Paving Contractor starts for town with his Elsinor Slugger. 

Harold Pinter takes a goatskin umbrella out of the umbrella stand

and follows him out the door.

 

[Commercial

     "August 24-27 it's Bajor Days at Bayshore Shopping Mall!"]

 

     Social Climber and Official Botanist are shelling peas.

     Social Climber looks out the corner of her eye at the

younger woman.

     "Now that Door Repair Guy's in town, I expect you two will

pick up where you left off."

     Official Botanist looks at her in astonishment.

     "No offense, but your son's a nincompoop!"

     "Well, if you say.  The Klingon women seemed to think he was

something."

     "Huh!  He's something, all right.  The question is: what? 

No offense."

     "Well, you should know."

     Official Botanist shakes her head in amazement and resumes

shelling.  After a moment she stops and exclaims:

     "Klingons!"

     Social Climber purses her lips.  They shell some more peas.

     Social Climber: "He always thought you were the best-looking

girl in the Green Belt."

     "Hmph."

     "But that was years ago."

     "Not that long."

     "Nearly ten.  I'm sure that torch died out long ago."

     "Torch!?"

     "Oh, never mind me."

     "He broke it off."

     "He was leaving for that Klingon job.  There's nothing worse

than a long distance relationship.  I'm sure he was thinking of

your feelings."

     "My --!"

     "Oh, yes, you know, Curling Club Secretary and Treasurer

said he said to Boyhood Friend that he wished he had an evil twin

to send to Qo'noS so he could stay in Nepean and live on UI with

you."

     "What?  No way."

     "Curling Club Secretary and Treasurer is a reliable source."

     "That may be.  But you're talking about ancient history."

     "I suppose.  But I saw that look in his eye."

     Official Botanist looks at her sceptically, picks up a

handful of peapods, then looks at her again.

 

     Impractical Scientist activates the automated garage-door

opener and beams as it opens flawlessly.

     "Made entirely of vegetable matter."

     "Cool."

     They go in.  The place is a 24th-Century low-tech equivalent

of Da Vinci's studio.  DRG notices a large cloth-covered

doorframe in the corner.  He goes over and unveils it.

     "Hey, an interdimensional gateway!  Does it work?"

     "No.  It needs another like it on the other side."

     "Hey!  I've got one in my own place!  I even left it on!"

     "You're not kidding?  That means we can return to Nepean 5!" 

Impractical Scientist stops short and slips into thought.

     DRG: "Don't tell me.  You really don't want to go back?"

     "I'm of two minds.  We've begun to build a life here.  Your

mother and I are back together.  The location is . . . idyllic. 

Best fishing I've seen in a long while.  We'll all have to think

about this."

     "Maybe people will want to move out here."

     "Fine place to raise a family.  But do we want suburban

development?"

     "Once Uncle Paving Contractor sees this he'll be piping

asphalt through it in no time." 

     "We'll have to think about this.  I'll have a word with a

few people on the Council."

     Impractical Scientist leans back against his work table and

crosses his arms.

     "Well, I agree with you.  That Official Botanist is some

looker."

     DRG puts down a homeblown glass retort with a look of

surprise.

     "When did I say that?"

     "Oh, a while ago.  I didn't really notice til recently. 

She's turned out to be a fine cut of a woman."

     "So you're lookin at my girlfriends now!"

     "So she's your girlfriend now?"

     "I didn't say that!"

     "Well, she sure acts that way."

     "She's been after me since I got here."

     "That's what I mean."

     "That's not what I mean.  Look at this bump."

     "She just wants your attention."

     "This isn't Grade Three."

     "Ah.  Some things don't change."

     "You're a nut."

     But you can tell he's thinking.

 

[Bob:

     "Hi and back to Door Repair Guy in just a minute, and hey!

we're on a cruise ship out on the Rideau Canal somewhere between

Smith's Falls and Merrickville and I'm reminded of . . . light

beer.  Ha!"  Paces the deck with microphone.  "Did you know you

can take a holiday vacation cruise with deck chairs and

everything, and shuffleboard, and it's right here in our own back

yard!"  Glances over the rail at the top of a baseball cap moving

past.  "Well, actually it's in his back yard.  But there's a

Recreational Co-ordinator."  He charges over to a uniformed

woman.  "And you're . . ."

     "Holly."

     "And what port is home, Holly?"

     "Peterborough."

     "And have you ever been around the Horn?"

     She's dumbfounded.

     Bob realizes she's not going to say anything.  He does a

fencing move in the direction of a retiree in a deck chair who

looks up in surprise at the mike between her book and her nose.

     "How do you like the cruise so far?"

     "Who are you?"

     "Bob Cowan, CHRO news and current affairs!"

     "I don't own a televison machine!"

     He looks up at the camera.

     "Then I'm Peter Van Dusen!  We'll be back to Star Trek: Door

Repair Guy after this."

     Shot of the wake and the two shorelines moving slowly to

stern.]

 

[Commercial: Paramount Marineland:

 

     Everyone loves a holiday,

     Watching the whales and the dolphins play,

     A friend who cares splashing waves in your hair,

     Everyone loves (speeds up to fit in all the syllables)

                         Paramount Marineland!

 

     (Shot of a Klingon holding a fish over the pool.  An orca

rises out of the water for the fish and the Klingon seizes the

whale around the neck and topples with it back into the water,

wrestling fiercely.)]

 

     Paving Contractor stalks through the thatched village with a

baseball bat hidden behind his back.  He sees Pompous City

Councillor.

     "Hey!  Whiskers!  Where's that Door Repair loser?"

     "I believe I would be remiss were I to direct an adversary

who bears both a grudge and a cudgel toward his whereabouts."

     "What?  This?  I just wanted to recruit him for softball. 

Now that he's here we can make a league."

     "I'm completely misled.  Still I don't know where he is."

     "Grrr."

     Paving Contractor heads off.  Pompous City Councillor spots

Harold Pinter's umbrella.

     "If you believe Robinson Crusoe to be the defining metaphor

of the Mulch Dimension you are mistaken.  It is The Tempest."

     "That would make you Alonso."

     "Prospero, if you please."

     "Impractical Scientist is Prospero."

     "You're Trunculo."

     "You're Stephano!"

     "You're Ariel!"

     "You're Caliban!"

     "}:-b!"

     ">:-p!"

 

[Commercial:

 

     "Lately the inhabitants of Upper Canada Village have begun

to notice strange visitors in their midst."

     Candlestick-maker: "Nobody knows how they get here or where

they go."

     Blacksmith: "They *say* they're from the future."

     Shot of away team materializing in a circle, then taking

tricorder readings of the surrounding structures preparatory to

fanning out.

     One villager to another: "I never noticed *that* before."]

 

     Door Repair Guy trudges up the hillside toward the site of

his earlier beating.

     "Can't believe I'm really doing this.  She's going to knock

my brains out for sure this time."

     He spots Official Botanist gathering specimens into a large

wicker basket with her back toward him.  He comes up.

     "Good pickin's?"

     She turns with a gasp and an armload of wildflowers.  She

stands there trying to think of something to say.  Clearly she's

as agitated as he is.

     DRG: "So . . . ah . . . whatya got there?"

     "Ah.  Lupinus polyphyllus, Angelica atropurpurea, Solidago

multiradiata, Rudbeckia serotina, and . . . um . . . this is

bastard toadfax."

     "Ummm.  Quite a variety."

     "Well.  Uh.  You know.  These are just terrestrial

varieties.  We have whole ecosystems here from places we've never

seen.  Apparently your dad is not the only one to hit on the

transdimensional weed wacker.  The Mulch Dimension seems to be a

repository for cuttings from all over the universe.  Over that

hill every growing thing is blue.  No chlorophyll at all.  I

haven't figured it out yet."

     "You will."

     She smiles suddenly, then bites her lips.

     "So-o-o-o, I guess you made it big in the door business if

you're working in Starfleet."

     "Well, up and down.  I've gotta make up with the Door

Fek'lhr before I get any more Klingon work."

     She puts her hand on his arm, surprising even herself.  She

says:

     "You will."

     The camera comes around so that the sunlight's in their

hair.  They tingle.  Their eyes widen.  Suddenly:

     "I love you!"

     "I love you!"

     "Ha!"  Paving Contractor leaps out from behind a towering

elm with the baseball bat poised over his head.  "I've got your

number now, you little twerp!"

     Official Botanist: "Run for it!"

     Door Repair Guy boots it down the hill with Paving

Contractor in hot pursuit.

 

[Commercial: 

     "It's Back-to-School Time at Shoppers' Drug Mart!  Come in

this week for Waterworld drinkin' bottles, only 49 cents; loose-

leaf, three million sheet pack, $1.49; and Laurentian coloured

pencils Shades of Grey 24-pencil pack, just $1.29!"]

 

     Shot of DS9.

     Cut to corridor in the Habitat Ring.  The camera moves

toward the police-taped entrance to Door Repair Guy's quarters. 

Two security guards with coffee cups move into the shot and

slouch against the wall on either side of the door.

     Good Cop: "Another sixteen hours of this stakeout and I'll

be ready for an excursion fare to Elba II."

     Bad Cop: "Yeah, well, say hi to Garth.  I'll lay you five to

one this fugitive is pushing up the bastard toadfax somewhere

where no one has gone before." 

     Good Cop: "I'll lay you five to one whoever programmed that

replicator came from a planet where they don't drink coffee."

     Thump.

     Bad Cop: "Did you hear that?"

     Bump.  Bang.  Crash.

     They draw their phasers and crouch against the wall with

both hands on their weapons.  Good Cop hits his comm badge and

shouts, "This is Unit 54!  We've got a B&E at 04-451!  Yeah, the

door factory!"

     Smash!  Crash!

     They nod to each other, Bad Cop reaches up and taps the door

control, and they pour through the opening door.

     "Security!  Freeze!  I said Freeze!  Look out, he's got a

bat!"

     We see Paving Contractor swinging wildly while the two cops

dodge around the room.  Good Cop finally brings him down with a

tackle to the gut.  Bad Cop straddles the two and bellows:

     "Get outta the way!  Get outta the way!  I'll fry him!  I'll

fry him!"

     Jump cut.

     "I'll fry him!"

     Good Cop gets the bat away from Paving Contractor and holds

an open palm up to Bad Cop's phaser.

     "I got him!  Just back off!"

     Jump cut.

     "Just back off!"

     Bad Cop lowers his weapon with a look of disgust, then

immediately points it toward the corner of the room.

     "Freeze!  Put'em up!"

     Camera zooms in on DRG putting his hands up behind the

recliner rocker.

 

     Paving Contractor: "Let me outta here!"

     Odo approaches the holding cell.

     "Please, you're disturbing the other residents."

     Odo nods toward the comatose DRG on the other side of the

cell.

     "Where's my lawyer?  I know my rights!  You gotta charge me

or spring me!"

     "There's the small matter of one hundred and forty-seven

counts of kidnapping."

     "You'll never lay that one on me!  When I get outta here--"

     Odo taps the white noise control and walks off.  Paving

Contractor continues his tirade in pantomine, during which DRG

wakes up, produces a harmonica, and begins to play in pantomine. 

The last we see, Paving Contractor is chasing him around the

cell, trying to lay a beating on him, also in pantomine.

 

------------

Written by Douglas A. McLeod ai919

------------

 

Notes on Mulch Ado About Nothing:

 

Return to the Green Belt, and more Shakespeare!

The Labatt, Upper Canada Village and Marineland commercials are verbatim up until the punchlines. The back to school ad places this episode in August 1995.

Titian Magician!

Peter Van Dusen was on CBC Ottawa in the 1990s, before he moved to TVO.

UI. The Canadian government renamed unemployment insurance Employment Insurance in 1996. They did not however take the logical next step of renaming fire insurance Not On Fire Insurance.

Emoticons, or as we used to call them, smileys.

They rediscovered the jump cut on NYPD Blue.

Now I think a third Nepean episode is called for, but I never got back to it.

 

2012 Men's Hockey Playoff Champions

The smallest hockey championship trophy in the world.

Russian: Dynamo Moscow.

Finnish: JYP.

Swedish: Brynäs.

Czech: Pardubice.

Slovak: Slovan Bratislava.

Swiss: ZSC Lions.

German: Eisbären Berlin.

Asian: Oji Eagles.

Austrian: Black Wings Linz.

Belarusian: Keramin Minsk.

British: Nottingham Panthers.

Dutch: Ruijters Eaters Geleen.

Danish: Blue Fox Herning.

French: Les Dragons de Rouen.

Italian: HC Bolzano-Bozen Foxes.

Norwegian: Stavanger Oilers.

Canadian: South East Prairie Thunder.

Miscellaneous Utensils

From Hokusai, Manga, volume 2 (1815). Online edition.

Unarigoe, Chapter 3, Page 21

Wonderful Hell, Part 8 of 12

    Game Four.  Prior to the anthems Agnes skates up to Hanne and says, “I know about the spell.  If I catch you pulling any more magical stunts I’m going to start handing out match penalties.”

    Hanne looks taken aback.  She skates over to her teammates and whispers the news.  The whisper spreads through the team.  They all look taken aback.

    Kirsten skates out and sings If You Could Read My Mind by Gordon Lightfoot.  The Finns stand there listening, wide-eyed, reading double meanings into the lyrics.  The line about the ghost from the wishing well seems to freak them out particularly.

    Josey scores four times in a 7 to 2 romp.  When the game ends she’s ebullient, pounding her teammates on the shoulder and whooping it up.  As she cruises past the timekeeper’s desk she gives Jacinthe a long speculative glance, then circles back, kisses her on the cheek, and skates off.

    That night Jacinthe has a dream.  It’s 1910.  She’s part of a victorious hockey team who are gathered in a photographer’s studio to have their team picture taken.  The seven players are all dressed in white woollen turtlenecks and black skirts.  The photographer, whom she recognizes as her history professor, arranges them for the group portrait.  Jacinthe is seated on a wooden chair in the centre.  Behind her two shoulders stand Cathy Deirdre Zinck, wearing her Glengarry cap again, and Isobel Stanley in an astrakhan.  Kneeling on either side of her are Josey and Hanne.  Seated on the carpet in front are two of the 1939 Preston Rivulets, and that girl Bonny from grade nine.  Jacinthe holds the championship cup.  The group are in high spirits, and there’s a certain amount of joshing and jostling.  Before the picture is taken Isobel leans down and begins to whisper advice into Jacinthe’s ear.  It’s important information all about the key to happiness.  Not to be outdone Zinck leans in and begins to descant equally good but completely contradictory advice.

    “Ladies, please,” says the photographer.  “On three.  One.  Two.”

    The other seven players lean in toward Jacinthe and wrap their arms around her.  The flash goes off.

    Jacinthe awakes, and scrambles toward her desk to try to record the important advice, but by the time she gets pen to paper the admonitions have been blown away by a detonating sequence of orgasms.


    That night before Game Five she watches the players circulate and wonders if she’ll ever get up the nerve, when suddenly Josey stops by her table in a spray of snow.

    Josey: “You were in my dream last night.”

    This reversal leaves Jacinthe at a temporary loss for words.  She blurts, “I hope you realize I’m not responsible for things I do in your dream!”

    “Too bad,” says Josey, skating away backward.  “You were nice.”

    Jacinthe sits there blushing.

    Kaitlyn’s face is all dimpled from trying not to smile.

    "I think it’s love.”

    “Shh!”

    The Finns have recovered their composure and come at the Isobels hard, forcing the white and black team into a defensive game.  It’s scoreless well into the second period when Sanna takes a shot from in close, gets the rebound and shoots again, gets another and shoots a third time, and both teams begin to pile into the crease and on top of Jodi.  Nobody knows where the puck is, then suddenly Marita throws her arms up and the Finns start to celebrate.

    Josey, Courtney and Louise are instantly in Agnes’s face, arguing and pointing to the line.

    Agnes: “It’s a goal.”

    She skates toward the timekeeper’s table.  

    Josey, behind her, says: “Score one for Team Zebra.”

    Agnes makes an about face and signals unsportsmanlike conduct.

    In the box Josey says, “She wants them to win.  This whole thing is about pleasing the Finns.”

    “Josey, no,” says Jacinthe.  “I know her.  She’s got more integrity than a busload of other people.”

    Josey takes this, and gives Jacinthe an approving look.

    “You’re loyal.”

    Jacinthe counts the penalty down and Josey bursts off on a rush.

    Kaitlyn: “So totally in love.”

    Jacinthe: “Shut!  Up!”

    The Daughters of Louhi win 1 to 0.

    Later at Hunton Josey drops her hockey bag and looks down the hall toward Jacinthe is if about to say something.  Jacinthe stands by her door with her key in her hand, the picture of twentyness in her Sorels and cargo pants, ancient parka with the braid hanging off, an equally old peppermint green sweater, and a headful of lank blondish-brown curls. 

    Jacinthe (laughing): “What?”

    “You’re cute.”

    (Shining and twinkling): “You’re not so horrible yourself.”

    Josey clomps up close and lays her hand against Jacinthe’s cheek.  Jacinthe utters a tiny sigh, then, recovering, bites Josey’s thumb.  Two neighbours walk past, all eyes.  Josey and Jacinthe part and retreat to their separate rooms.  They toss and turn all night.

Unarigoe, Chapter 3, Page 20

Last Match Against Ross County For a While

Highlanders Academy. 

Ross County visit Cappielow today for the last time in who can say. The Staggies gained promotion on April 10th and barring a total collapse by Inverness Caledonian Thistle in the five weeks of the split season the two former Highland League clubs will be playing derbies in the SPL next year. Considering that both clubs only entered the SFL in 1993-94 it's a remarkable success story.

Take a moment to consider the Highland history of Greenock. Greenock once had a large Gaelic-speaking contingent. A Gaelic chapel was built in 1791 and the first Highlanders' Academy building went up in 1835.

On a musical note. Did the Beatles ever play Greenock? No. Did they ever play Dingwall? Yes!

If Morton win today, and Raith and Ayr both lose, Morton will be free of the drop zone and can finish the season no worse than seventh. But if Morton lose, and Raith, Ayr and Queen of the South all win, Morton could still finish tenth.

I know I go on and on about relegation and promotion, but as a North American the whole process is fascinating to me. Our sports league are all built of franchises that have bought their way into the league and might be moved from city to city or go bankrupt but never be demoted to a minor league. If Scottish football were organized like a North American league there would be far fewer clubs, and certainly very few senior clubs. The pro league would consist of the, say, twelve clubs with the largest stadiums. Those are: Celtic, Queen's Park (who of course would have to go professional), Rangers, Aberdeen, Hibs, Kilmarnock, Hearts, Edinburgh City (who occupy Meadowbank Stadium), Dundee United, Motherwell, Dunfermline and Morton. Include Murrayfield, the rugby stadium, and Cappielow slips out of the top twelve.

The Greenock Telegraph has been taken over by the Bank of Scotland.

For a second there I thought Morton had gained promotion, but it was Reading.

Cowdenbeath can clinch the Second Division with a win today.

Altrincham travel to Eastwood Town in Nottinghamshire to play the Badgers.

[Okay! Morton 1 - 1 Ross County. Goal by Smyth. Raith win but Ayr and QoS lose. Morton cannot finish tenth, and the only way for them to finish ninth is to lose both remaining matches while Ayr win both and make up a ten goal deficit. Cowdenbeath win the Second Division and are promoted. Altrincham win 6 - 1! The Robins aren't bobbins!]

Mito HollyHock host Thespa Kusatsu tomorrow. Thespa is a neologism meaning, hold on, The Spa. [Mito win 1 - 0.]

Tomorrow Pohang Steelers host Jeonbuk Hyundai Motors. [Pohang win 1 - 0.]

UCD host Sligo Rovers on Monday.

Largs Thistle play the second leg of their Junior Cup semifinal today at Barrfields Stadium in Largs.

Barrfields. Maybe UEFA should set minimum standards for the use of the word 'stadium'. Source. [Shotts win on penalty shotts.] [UEFA stadium categories.]