Plenty of Nothing

Robertson Davies 1963

Robertson Davies, 1963, during the construction of Massey College. Toronto Telegram Archive.

When I'm Running Windows

 

    The curtain rises to applause.  George Formby in a brown raincoat and cloth cap steps forward, bows, strikes up his ukelele, and sings (to the tune of "When I'm Cleaning Windows"):

 

          I've bought a new computer,

          It's there beside the grate,

          And so I need some software

          To make it operate.

 

          The man around the corner

          Said, "Look what's joost arrived,

          The newest software package

          Called Windows 95."

 

          Now, in my profession I'm brand new

          But I'll never stop.

          I'll run this blinkin' programme

          Til I get right to the top.

 

          This is a job that just suits me.

          A Windows-watcher you would be

          If you could see what I can see

          When I'm running Windows.]

 

[Commercial: George Formby for Windows 95

 

          The things I've seen when I'm on line

          Would suit a sailor very fine

          If he were more than twenty-nine

          When I'm running Windows.

 

          A lass I've spied is quite the rage,

          One million hits on her Web Page;

          As many on the pressure gauge;

          When I'm running Windows.

 

          Oh, in my profession I'm brand new

          But I'll never stop.

          I'll run this flippin' programme

          Til I get right to the top.

 

          She has a twin and my oh my,

          They make the idle hours fly by

          With just a chair and one necktie

          When I'm running Windows.]

 

[Commercial: George Formby for Windows 95:

 

          An e-mail came to my mailbox.

          I answered straight away of course.

          My server changed it all to Morse

          When I'm running Windows. 

 

          So I sent out an S-O-S

          To my sysop to fix the mess.

          He says it's my fault, more or less.

          When I'm running Windows.

 

          In my profession I'm brand new

          But I'll never stop.

          I'll run this flippin' programme

          Til I get right to the top.

 

          I asked my mate to take a look,

          He had a peek, his head he shook,

          Said he, "Read the instruction book."

          When I'm running Windows.]

 

[Commercial: Windows:

 

          I'm chuffed with my grand ftp,

          I'm master of all that I see,

          Downloading text and binary,

          When I'm running Windows.

 

          The gifs I find fill me with joy:

          Natasha Yar is not a boy

          And neither is Deanna Troi

          When I'm running Windows.

 

          In my profession I'm still green

          But I'll never stop.

          I'll run this blessed programme

          Til I get right to the top.

 

          The lads at Wired all agree.

          This Internet is just for me.

          It keeps me up til half past three

          When I'm running Windows.]

 

[Commercial: Encore le Formby:

 

          You've heard of my adventures

          Exploring cyberspace.

          Now here's a few more details

          To substantiate my case.

 

          I'm that pleased when I'm gophering

          I go for files on anything

          But my wife calls it loafering.

          When I'm running Windows.

 

          The helpful Miss Veronica

          Sends advice on japonica

          She found in Thessalonica

          When I'm running Windows.

 

          In my profession I'm brand new

          But I'll never stop.

          I'll run these flamin' Windows

          Til I get right to the top.

 

          My colour monitor's a whiz

          I've viewed Van Goghs and Matisses

          And every Dilbert strip there is

          When I'm running Windows.]

 

[Commercial:  Formby:

 

          Me wife's all set to pull the plug.

          "Away and get a job, ye slug."

          She hasn't the computer bug

          When I'm running Windows.

 

          So I've gone down to Microsoft --

          You shouldn't think I'm very daft --

          I'm cleaning screens fore noon and aft

          While I'm watching Windows.

 

          In this profession I'm brand new

          But I'll never stop.

          I'll save these screens with my damp rag

          Til I get to the top.

 

          I've many new computing mates

          I shouldn't doubt that at this rate

          I'll soon be thick with William Gates

          When I'm cleaning Windows.

 

          This is a job that just suits me.

          A Windows-washer you would be

          If you could see what I can see

          When I'm cleaning Windows,

          When I'm cleaning Windows.]

 

From Door Repair Guy, episode 46.

 

Blocking

Canadian World, Hokkaido

Take a tour of this Anne of Green Gables theme park in Ashibetsu, Hokkaido.

Grave of Prime Minister Charles Tupper

 At St John's Anglican Cemetery across from the Fairview Cove Container Terminal.

After the Flood

It's a year to the day since a Biblical downpour drowned the Oak Mall. Read about it.

Today is Round One of the 2014-15 Scottish Challenge Cup, the trophy contested by the clubs of the Championship, and Leagues One and Two, plus a couple of nonleague teams to make an easily divisible number. Last year Morton were eliminated by Annan Athletic in this round. It was the first in a series of unforeseen disasters (four losses to Alloa; 10 - 2 drubbing by Hamilton) that culminated in the Ton's relegation to League One.

This time Morton have drawn Spartans FC, inaugural Lowland League champions. Spartans have to be the favourites to move up to League Two as soon as the SPFL is opened up to promotion from below. Wasn't that supposed to begin soon?

Spartans played in last year's Challenge Cup too, beating Threave Rovers in the preliminary round, before losing 4 - 0 to Queen of the South.

Sponsorhip of this competition has passed from the pawnbroker Ramsdens to the oil and gas industry supplier Petrofac, so for the next while the trophy will go by the name Petrofac Training Cup.

How have Greenock Morton done in the First Round of the Challenge Cup over the past decade?

2013-14. Lost to Annan Athletic.

2012-13. Beat Albion Rovers.

2011-12. Beat Stranraer.

2010-11. Beat Dumbarton.

2009-10. Beat Dumbarton.

2008-09. Bye.

2007-08. Beat Livingston.

2006-07. Beat Dumbarton.

2005-06. Beat Gretna.

2004-05. Beat Arbroath.

So a Morton win today is within reason.

2014-15 is probably the final opportunity for Rangers to win the Challenge (Petrofac Training) Cup. Hibs and Hearts won't have too many chances either. Hearts play Annan today. Rangers and Hibs face each other in about a week and a half.

[Morton win 1 - 0. Goal by Cameron O'Neil.]

UEFA Champions League this week: Celtic 4 - 0 KR. Celtic move on to the next round.

Europa League: Stjarnan 3 - 2 Motherwell; Groningen* 1 - 2 Aberdeen; St Johnstone 5 - 4 Luzern on penalty kicks. Aberdeen and St Johnstone advance; Motherwell are out.

*Groningen is the home of both the Stripmuseum and the Love Palace.

Rangers' World Tour Wednesday: Ottawa Fury 0 - 1 Rangers FC.

Tomorrow Grulla Morioka host YSCC. [1 - 1.]

El Tipo de Reparación de la Puerta

Someone in Caracas was reading DRG with Google Translate.

On Their Last Jambs

Forced Air Heating, 1855

    Many persons who have large houses of stone or brick, now adopt the plan of heating them with hot air, which is conveyed by means of pipes into the rooms. An ornamented, circular grating admits the heated air, by opening or shutting the grates. The furnace is in the cellar, and is made large enough to allow of a considerable quantity of wood being put in at once.

    A house thus heated is kept at summer heat in the coldest weather; and can be made cooler by shutting the grates in any room.

    The temperature of houses heated thus is very pleasant, and certainly does not seem so unhealthy as those warmed by metal stoves, besides there being far less risk from fire.

Catherine Parr Traill, The Canadian Settler's Guide (1855), page 20, NCL edition.

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